


searching for my galaxy

by Starsfelldown



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Closeted Character, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Gradual character development, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Previous Bad Sex Experience, idk if i tagged this right
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-07-14 11:49:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16039895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starsfelldown/pseuds/Starsfelldown
Summary: “Nothing so consumes a person as meaningless exertion”― Haruki Murakamiorlucas has known from the age of thirteen that he's gay but has never had a reason to come out until he meets jungwoo.





	1. The Guy That Works At The Gym

**Author's Note:**

> alright broskis, heres the thing, theres a lot of internalize homophobia and at time backwards thinking on lucas' part. idk why im stating this here if it's kind of implied and in the tags but i dont want any complaints or misunderstandings. also this story has been sitting in my drafts unfinished for the longest time but i really love luwoo and need to share this story. PSA this is also my first nct fic so pls dont hate me. i hope this came out okay and that you guys enjoy it and give leave me kudos. [twitter](https://twitter.com/retrofutrism):p

    lucas has always been very indifferent about being out of the closet. he has never wanted to see his sexuality as something that defines him or adds to his personality. it's merely something that has always been there; something small that hardly nags at him or makes itself known.

he's not ashamed of it. he likes to think that he's comfortable in his sexual orientation and accepts it, so he shouldn't worry about the fact that he has never come out to anyone.

it's just that he has never cared enough or had a reason to tell anyone.

he doesn't think anyone will see him differently or care too much if he came out. the world is huge and even though the lgbt community is considered a minority they're very present and is slowly becoming normalized. he's sure that there would be no cosmic collision or parade in his honor if lucas did happen to come out. sure there was ten, his best friend—a fellow gay—that would be ecstatic if he came out, but he doesn't see why he should. there's no cute boyfriend he wants to show off or a guy he's fawning over so what's the point? there is none. especially since he doesn't plan to get into a relationship until he's done with his studies. well, all that was the case, until he met jungwoo.

    every tuesday and thursday mornings, before his mass communications class, lucas goes to the campus gym. on that day in particular he was a bit groggy, with a gym bag hanging loosely from his shoulder as he drank a protein shake that didn't quite taste right. mid-sip he caught a glimpse of jungwoo for the first time. the cute boy threw him for a loop, given that his encounters with the middle aged concierge that popped her gum a little too loudly had become a bit of a routine for him.

the boy was deeply concentrated on his copy of the wind up bird chronicles and rested his head on the palm of his hand. lucas stopped in his tracks and admired him. his eyes were so big and his light brown hair caught the morning sun perfectly. the boy smiled at some line in his book and lucas felt his lips turning as well. he had never seen someone so incredibly endearing and the other hadn't even spoken a word.

lucas found himself stuck in the boy's gravitational pull and took steps towards the front desk without meaning to. jungwoo looked like a ceramic doll that day; his skin shined in the early morning sun and it looked so fair that lucas wanted to reach out to see if it was as cold as porcelain. the next thing he knew the boy was staring up at him with those glistening dark eyes.

"hi, do you want me to scan you in?" he said before bookmarking his page and putting the book aside.

his voice is what really reeled lucas in. the ring of it sounded as sweet as honey and smooth as silk; hearing it was the equivalent of a piano playing in an empty hall, the pitter-patter of rain, and every other one of lucas' favorite sounds.

lucas must have been staring a little too long because the boy gives him a look.

"oh, uh, yes," he stumbled before scrambling around in his bag for his id. he searched and searched, but the damn thing was nowhere to be found. at the time, he wanted to scream, because of course the day a cute boy shows up he has to go and make a fool of himself.

"can't find it?" the boy said, his head tilted to the side with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "here let me look you up in the system."

the boy rolled his chair over to the desktop and shook the mouse to wake the computer. "can i have your name?"

lucas felt himself blush and let out an involuntarily chuckle. fuck why was he so awkward at the worst of times. "wong yukhei."

the boy smiled as he typed in the name. "wong yuk-hei, here you are." the boy giggled and he felt his heart stop for a second. fuck fuck fuck. "your picture is cute."

the blush on his cheeks had intensified to a deep red that burned his skin. the picture in question was taken his senior year and was used as his uni id because they had no other picture of him. "that picture is so old," he groaned.

"i think its adorable." jungwoo said, his playful pink lips turning up at the sides and maybe lucas believed him and maybe, just maybe, his heart sped up a bit.

"well thanks...uh-"

"jungwoo. kim jungwoo." he said.

lucas smiled at his name. _jungwoo._ lucas brought his hand up to his mouth to stop the urge to say it. _jungwoo._

"you can call me lucas that's what everyone else calls me, or you can call me yukhei. which ever you like."

either one will sound nice coming out of your mouth, he wanted to say.

"i like yukhei, i like the way it rolls off my tongue."

later on, after yuhkei completed his sets and showered, he said jungwoo's name into the steamy air of an empty locker-room. every time the name rolled off his tongue, he felt his lips kiss the air and he became giddy like a kid whispering a secret to the passing breeze.

    it's been a month now and jungwoo has become part of lucas' routine. he sees him every tuesday and thursday without fail and hangs around before and after his workout trying desperately to get just a few more minutes of jungwoo's time—even if it means being a few minutes late to class.

the weather outside is starting to get chilly. the trees are beginning to shed more and more leaves that fill the sidewalks with beautiful color and the air with the sound of dead leaves that crunch beneath feet.

lucas loves autumn. the scenery makes walking to class enjoyable and the sticky air of summer has dissipated into a mere memory. around this time of year everything feels like its settling into place as the nature around him. it fills him with a sense of complacency.

when he enters the building the first thing he sees is jungwoo—who looks incredibly soft with his light blue cable-knit sweater and sweater paws.

"yukhei." he says drawing out his name with a lazy smile. he rubs at his eyes sleepily almost like a child before letting out a small yawn. "how can you wake up at this time just to work out? I can barely keep my eyes open."

"it's only eight am hyung." he laughs before jungwoo lets out another yawn. the skin around jungwoo's eyes is a couple shades darker than normal and a pout seems to have settled permanently onto his lips. he wants to caress his face and tell him not overwork himself which is odd, because he isn't one to be very touchy—with the exception of ten, but that's ten.

lucas then takes notices of all the stationary and notes sprawled out on the desk. now that he thinks about it he did remember jungwoo mentioning an upcoming quiz in his psychology class. a sad smile grazes his face and he has to stop himself from patting jungwoo's wayward hair.

"been busy?" he says, bawling his left hand into a fist at his side while the other clutch onto gym bag's strap.

"yes," jungwoo groans as he runs a hand through his hair. "and on top of that the art club is having a drag night to raise funds for the next art show and i have to perform."

yukhei's throat goes dry. he's thought of jungwoo a lot: when he was suppose to be studying, in the shower, during class, at night, but in all that time he never appeared to him in a skirt.

"do you know how hard it is to walk in heels?"

lucas shakes his head dumbly.

jungwoo is a very pretty man with a bubbly personality and flamboyant nature that makes yukhei's heart swoon. one could say that he's feminine, but there's no doubt that jungwoo is a man. he has pretty legs like a girl, but his hips lack curvature; jungwoo often makes himself small, but he's taller than average; he has dainty hands and wrists, but his hands have green and blue veins that run through them like streams.

yukhei starts to think of jungwoo's beautiful hands; particularly how they would look running along his skin—leaving a mark, inflicting damage.

"you should take a nap after your shift hyung." he says snapping out of his inopportune fantasy.

"yeah," jungwoo nods. "maybe I should."

    after his class he stops by the campus coffee shop and waits nearly twenty minutes for a caramel macchiato before heading back over to the gym. he can see jungwoo through the glass doors and it's evident that he's perked up a bit, which makes lucas glad.

lucas goes inside through the side entrance and he can see jungwoo at the reception desk frantically underlining and biting on the top of his pen cap. cute. he feels jungwoo's name about to roll of his tongue but he stops before even the first syllable slips out, because someone beats him to it.

a handsome guy he vaguely remembers slides over, putting his arm around jungwoo and starts speaking to him. yukhei doesn't know how to feel. there's no denying the guy with the nice smile and purple hair seems to be close to jungwoo—a bit too close frankly.

jungwoo's eyes look up and meet lucas'.

"yukhei!" he calls as he motions him over. "what brings you back?"

lucas has no choice but to walk over now. suddenly under the gaze of the two men, the macchiato in his hand seems a bit ridiculous, but there is no use in hiding it. he holds it out for jungwoo—his fingers bitten cold—who looks a bit surprised, as does the man with his arm slung around his shoulders.

"you looked tired earlier so i wanted to get you something to help you through the rest of the day." he says a bit quieter than usual.

jungwoo looks at the drink with crescent eyes and takes it. without him saying a word lucas can tell that he appreciates it by the way his front teeth are on display and how he stares at he drink with such intensity.

"that's so sweet yukhei." he says softly and sincerely. "yuta hyung is about to take over so let me just grab my stuff and then we can walk together."

    they walk past countless gingko and maple, each one decorating the school with warm colors that paint the school with nature's firey palette. the windy day has jungwoo's bangs flying into his face and lucas can hardly see him. he wants to reach out and push them away, but he holds them back himself.

jungwoo tells him about his anatomy and physiology teacher—the one with bright red hair and crooked glasses—as they walk side by side towards the dormitories. lucas laughs at his clearly exaggerated anecdotes and throws in a joke or two. they've walked together before, but every time feels better than the last. the first time took lucas by surprise. he always use to take the long way back to his dorm so he could sneak a peak at jungwoo, but one day he just popped out of the corner nearly sending him into cardiac arrest. the older boy had smiled at him, cocking his head to the side and they began a slightly awkward conversation that lead them to where they are now.

lucas is comfortable with what they are. their camaraderie is something that comes to him naturally. of course he wants to be more than friends, but he's content with walking with jungwoo and simply having him stand beside him and radiate everything good in the world.

he escorts him to his dorm door like he always does, but this time he's surprised when the older invites him in. he doesn't really question why jungwoo invites him over, he figures to thank him for buying him a drink earlier, but lucas doesn't mind. of course he says yes and of course it sounds like he's desperate for the other's attention.

his dorm is a lot like his own: a symmetrical room where everything—minus the window—comes in pairs: two single beds, two desks and two book shelves. the room is kept tiddy enough to be considered clean, but dirty enough to be inhabited by two men.

jungwoo's side is a lot like him, a bit messy but at least everything is in its place. jungwoo decorates his side in the pastel colors of blue, yellow and pink; his wall littered with posters, polaroids and hand written notes from friends. lucas scans the wall with a soft smile on his face as the other tries to clear his bed so lucas can sit down.

lucas tries to make himself small while sitting on the single, but even then he barely fits. jungwoo gives him a can of sprite which he gladly takes. he then crawls onto the bed making himself comfortable, moving so his back leans against the wall and his feet fall off the bed. they start to talk about random things and at times lucas' leg will brush against jungwoo's thigh. when that happens lucas' feels like a bolt of lightening has made its way through his body.

somehow they end up playing twenty questions and that's when he learns that jungwoo planned to be a theater major but that his voice failed to resonate through the auditorium so he fell back on his true love: art. jungwoo's preferred type of media is oil paints and charcoal. lucas finds it endearing how excited jungwoo gets while talking about art and how his face lights up talking about different painting substrates and paper textures. he even shows lucas some beautiful pages in his sketchbook that happens to be resting on his nightstand close by.

he doesn't know why but he decides to tell jungwoo that he hasn't had his first kiss yet. maybe he says it because no one really knows that about him and he wants to tell jungwoo so it would be _their secret_. it sounds stupid but the thought of sharing something between just the two of them makes lucas' stomach fill with feathers. people who don't know him just assume that he's had regular girlfriends since middle school and that his current partner is waiting patiently back in hong kong—none of which is true. he had a couple of "girlfriends" that never lasted more than a week in elementary school, middle school were the years where he received lots of love letters and in high school he was very popular—but he never let anyone get close enough for anything to get too serious much less physical. he went on dates clinically to keep people off his back and so no one would suspect why someone like _him_ was single.

jungwoo stares at him in shock and lucas laughs at the incredibility plastered on his face. "you've never kissed anyone before?" lucas shakes his head and jungwoo stares at him in shock. "but you're hot!"

lucas blushes at jungwoo's comment not because he isn't aware of his looks, but because jungwoo thinks he's good looking and that fills him with a sense of pride. 

"i guess i was never really lucky in that aspect." he says shrugging it off, trying his best to act as nonchalant as possible. "plus, i never really had much interest in things like that before."

"we could kiss," jungwoo offers suddenly. "you know if you want to see what its like. i mean how do you know what you're missing if you've never done it." lucas feels his heart race and his body tenses. jungwoo must notice. "i mean only if you want!"

"yeah sure. why not?" lucas says trying to take up the offer before it's off the table. he can hear himself sound over eager and a bit desperate, but jungwoo doesn't say anything about it.

"you sure?" jungwoo says, his eyebrow lifts in question.

"yes, positive." lucas says with a nod and that's all the confirmation jungwoo needs.

he maneuvers himself so that he's straddling lucas' thighs; he moves with such agility that it feels like he teleported himself onto his lap. lucas is at a loss. he's never been in any situation like this before and has no idea what he's doing. he doesn't even know where he should place his hands or where he should look. the older must sense this because the next thing he knows his hands are guided to the small of jungwoo's back and his chin is caught between delicate fingers that keep his line of vision on jungwoo.

they stare at each other and its almost like the world stops for them, as if they're something special. lucas pretends for a moment that they are. jungwoo's eyes are filled with intent and his lips look so soft and enticing. he can feel his heart knocking against his rib cage, demanding to be let free and his face goes red at the thought that jungwoo can probably hear it.

"i'm going to kiss you now," jungwoo says in a voice that reminds him of silk sheets and jasmine. "just follow my league."

he nods, unable to say or do anything but watch jungwoo's pink lips that makes lucas unconsciously lick his own.

jungwoo connects their lips, his hand caressing lucas' jaw and the other resting where his neck and shoulder meet. his lips are warm and plush under lucas' own. the kiss is equally as sweet and he hums at how nice it feels. the feeling of jungwoo's weight on his lap is something comforting and the hands on his back help him stay anchored and from floating away.

jungwoo guides him and lucas does his best to follow along, tilting his head when necessary and applying the right amount of pressure. the kiss is a bit awkward because of his inexperience, but he likes to think he gets the hang of it after the first couple of minutes. then jungwoo opens his mouth and slips his tongue into lucas' mouth. that's where there is a shift from an innocent favor for a friend that turns into something heated.

the sounds of their lips coming together is something that lucas never expected to find so satisfying and arousing. jungwoo licks into his mouth and it's something so alien to lucas, but also so thrilling. jungwoo taste like the caramel macchiato from earlier mixed with saliva and to lucas it's the best thing he's had in a while. he experimentally lets his tongue move against jungwoo's and the slide is so delicious that he doesn't think he'll be able to get enough. a hunger unknown to him begins to burn in his stomach and without really giving it much thought he lets his hands wander along jungwoo's back and waist; his hands stopping to grip on the other's slender hip from time to time.

lucas feels a shiver coarse through his body when jungwoo runs his tongue along the roof of his mouth. instinctively he brings jungwoo closer, trying to get more of whatever the other is willing to give him; their chests bump together and jungwoo groans at being manhandled. every touch and sound coming from jungwoo has his blood rushing like molten lava down below. jungwoo could probably feel him through his jeans and that causes something inside of him to short circuit.

he pulls away breathless and holds jungwoo by his shoulders at a comfortable distance. jungwoo looks blissed out, his eyelids droopy, breath ragged, and cheeks a pretty pink. "we should probably stop."

"sorry if i took it too far or made you uncomfortable. I didn't mean to..." jungwoo looks up at him through his lashes as he talks, his lips forming a small frown. 

"no!" lucas rushes out. "no, its just a lot for today... i mean just ten minutes ago i had never kissed anyone and suddenly i'm shoving my tongue down your throat."

jungwoo laughs at his comment and buries his face into lucas' shoulder as he does it. lucas feels happiness blossom in his chest and feels his lips turn up into a smile. he detaches himself from lucas and crawls off his lap. lucas frowns, wishing he could have jungwoo longer, but its for the best.

"its fine," jungwoo states nonchalantly." i should get to studying anyways."

"yeah i have to meet up with someone anyways," he lies.

is he getting kicked out?

"oh! before you go," jungwoo says, suddenly reaching over to get something from his bag that sits on the floor. he comes back up with a flyer that has NCU DRAG SHOW in big colorful letters. "would you like to maybe come to my performance? you don't have to of course, but it would also be nice to see a familiar face in the crowd. plus, it's for a really good cause!"

jungwoo tries to play the offer as something casual, but his demeanor suggest that the proposition is something that exceeds the boundaries of what their friendship has been. jungwoo wants lucas to be there, not for the show or to raise money, but for him and lucas wants to do that for him.

the older looks at him and then at the flyer, waiting for an answer. and he says yes, even though he can feel his hands shake and breath stagger, because he likes jungwoo... and maybe jungwoo likes him back, and maybe, just maybe this could work out.

jungwoo walks him to the door and lucas can't help the stupid smile plastered on his face. lucas lingers outside the door for a bit, watching as jungwoo clings to his dorm door. "bye yukhei," he says in that sweet calming voice of his.

"bye hyung."

lucas begins to turn away but jungwoo calls out to him again, causing him to turn back around. "next time, less teeth."

    that night he's left alone—ten pulling an all nighter at a friend's apartment for some big test. he lays in bed with the lights turned off and the soft blue glow of the moon outside seeps through his blinds as he thinks of jungwoo. lucas' hands roamed around on jungwoo's clothed skin, stringing out beautiful noises from even prettier lips and his body contorting into a beautiful bow. he lifts his hand up in the dim lighting, the moon casting shadows in the dips and curves of it.

why had he stopped so suddenly? the short time he held jungwoo everything felt easy. he enjoyed every second of it, the awkwardness of the kiss and how difficult it was for him to find the perfect pace that wasn't too eager, but didn't make it seem like jungwoo was kissing a dead fish.

a sigh falls from his lips and he lets his hand fall, his forearm coming to rest on his eyes.

everything seemed to be going fine, but as soon as he felt himself get hard he pulled away. he knows he likes guys and that guys have dicks. he likes dick. the thought of dicks and gay porn have aroused him before, so he doesn't understand why this suddenly a problem. he liked touching jungwoo and the feeling of him on top of him. thinking about it now and what could have happened gets him aroused.

he reaches down and slips his hand beneath his shorts, feeling his semi. he thinks of jungwoo's flushed body grinding down on him, his eyes screwed shut and his breathy moans filling the air. he calls out for lucas and clutches onto him, begging lucas to touch him. in the fantasy he wants to reach out and palm jungwoo through his jeans, but not even then he can brings himself to do it. he groans in frustration and removes his hand from his shorts.

everything with jungwoo seemed easy in theory, but it was almost like it was too easy. they were allowed to kiss each other—with consent of course, which there had been—and they were allowed to be with each other. all this seems so foreign to him. before jungwoo he never liked anyone, yeah he's found men attractive, but most of those men hardly ever spared him a second glance. now there was jungwoo, who gave him his first kiss and was willing to give him more.

it all seems too good and he can't help but think it'll end badly. that he'll mess it up somehow and in the end he won't be able to be happy.

he does his best to push jungwoo out of his mind and wills his hard on away. he throws his shirt and shorts off to the side so he can slide under his duvet. his legs sliding against the soft sheets and he lets the cool night lull him to sleep.


	2. The First "Date"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lucas s l o w l y starts to comprehend his feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did not want to post today. i struggled to write the smut in this chapter and tbh editing/writing that scene was such a bitch that i kind of wanted to cut it out. BUT HONESTLY THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING TODAY WAS NCT 127'S COMEBACK. DID YALL SEE MY BABY JUNGWOO?? BABY BOY LOOKED GOOD! ALSO THE SONG IS A BOP. I MEAN I'VE BEEN PLAYING IT ALL DAY. but on another note... i want to thank you guys for leaving comments and being so nice! i never really thought anyone would read this or even like what i wrote tbh... but all your comments have made me really happy and have motivated me to keep going. i hope you guys enjoy and feel free to leave comments, kudos, or bookmark if you liked it! [read end note]

    on friday morning he decides to ask jungwoo out to a movie. it's something he's been contemplating since the last time he went over to jungwoo's apartment. it isn't a date per se and he refuses to call it that, but he does want time alone with jungwoo. the thought of it being a date though has a pit of nervousness in his stomach.

he grabs his gym bag from beneath his bed and a ripe green apple from his desk, placing it in between his teeth as he grabs his wallet. he opens up his wallet and places two movie tickets in one of the empty card slots. he checks one more time if he has everything before making his way to the door, but a groggy ten calls for him from his bed. lucas looks back at his best friend who's squints at him sleepily.

"where are you going?"

"the gym..."

ten's face scrunches up in confusion. "on a friday?"

"yeah man, i need to define my quads."

ten rolls his eyes at that and lets himself fall back on his stomach.

    luckily when he arrives jungwoo is on the last ten minutes of his shift. he greets lucas with the same smile per usual.

"what brings you to the gym on a _friday_?"

"just came to drop off some clean clothes," he says as he gestures to his bag. "but i also came to ask if you wanted to watch a movie."

jungwoo's initial reaction is to blink--pleasantly surprised--then he's nodding his head before he can utter out the word yes. he assures lucas that he'll be clocked out and ready to go before he comes back from the locker room.

lucas smiles like a fool all the way to the locker room. a bubbly feeling arising in his chest and the pit in his stomach widens with every step he takes.

he rushes the rest of the way to his locker and fumbles a bit with the lock before opening it so he can stick his head in to the small space so he can scream. he has so many feelings at the moment that the only way to express them is by screaming it out. it works. the pit in his stomach decreases in size, the anxiety in his chest subsides and the giddiness that consumed him has now settled to a normal amount.

he takes one last breath as he straightening his clothes out in the large mirror in front of him.

"you got this," he says to himself before walking out. 

    they take a crowded train to the theater where they're pact like sardines. they're not so fortunate to get seats but they get to stand together and each get their own strap to hold onto. the only problem is that every time the train jostles a bit the other straphangers push jungwoo closer to him. well, it isn't a problem at first, until they're pressed chest to chest and lucas' heart is beating so fast that jungwoo can feel it. the other doesn't say anything, but he does rest his head on lucas' shoulder.

"i'm a bit tired. you mind if i rest my head here for a bit?"

lucas feels a sudden panic take over his body. he isn't sure if it's because he can feel jungwoo's steady breath against his neck or if it's the fact that they're in public in a pretty intimate position. he looks around to see if he catches anyone's prying eyes but everyone seems to be oblivious to them. there are people enraptured by their phones who seek entertainment and other's who stare at their wrist watches in annoyance that wish time could speed up, but _jungwoo_ looks up at him with sincerity and looking for an answer.

"no, it's fine. i don't mind."

    "umi ga kikoeru?" jungwoo reads in broken japanese off the movie stub as they make their way to the theater.

he laughs and corrects his pronunciation.

lucas may not know japanese but he considers himself to be a certified weeb and comes to see the movie every time the theater screens it. he pretty much has the pronunciation down and most of the movie's subtitles memorized at this point.

the movie is a hidden studio ghibli classic that fills him with an odd sense of nostalgia and contentment. the overall plot is anti-climatic and the characters aren't very likeable, but isn't everyone a bit like that in their youth? so self obsessed that they can't see that the world spins around them whether they want it to or not. lucas was a bit like that; stuck in his own little mundane world where nothing made sense and the universe seemed to be playing against him.

he remembers with a smile on his face how he tried explaining that to ten. a month into his friendship with his roommate he invited him to a screening as well, but it didn't go so well.

"this movie is boring. nothing is happening," ten had complained.

lucas had sighed at his comment. "that's the beauty of it. it's like a french film; where nothing happens but everything is beautiful and they stare out of windows thoughtfully every other scene," he whispered. "you kind have to guess how they feel."

ten rolled his eyes and only stopped his unnecessary comments when he fell asleep on lucas' shoulder half way through. at the time lucas had been annoyed at his friend but now he looks back and laughs.

he looks over at jungwoo who walks cheerfully next to him; his brown hair catching the light in just the right way and smile so bright. he wonders how jungwoo was like in high school.

he was probably a lot better than lucas who lived in a facade. he has no idea if jungwoo was out in high school but he doesn't think he would have let it weigh him down. he probably went out with his friends and had fun, unlike lucas who stayed home and worried about keeping his secret. to be frank, he doesn't know much about jungwoo's past, but he knows that he wouldn't have let something like a sexuality confine him.

it so weird because before jungwoo he never thought much about coming out. obviously he knew inevitably one day he would have to, but over the years it became something he dreaded instead of anticipated.

ever since he was thirteen it was always something he was pushing towards. when he was in middle school he had in mind that he would be out in high school but when he reached that point he pushed it off to until university. in his adolescent brain university seemed like an ideal period to come out; he was away from his family and the world was becoming more accepting with the passing years. he truly thought that university would be his gay playground where he would fall in love like all those cheesy chinese dramas he watched with his mom. but things didn't work out like that.

when he came to korea to study as an international student he saw it as an opportunity to start over. then he met ten, his roommate, a perfect candidate to come out to. he really thought that after he came out to ten that it would start a domino effect and where he could just come out like it was nothing. after he said it once it would release him from the stupid restrictions he put for himself, but he just couldn't. he had conditioned himself to live like that for too long that the words _i'm gay_ felt--feel--like acid on his tongue.

ten would have understood and would have been supportive. they could have gone out to the gay bars and clubs together like ten does with his gay friends, but not everything works out the way you want it to.

"yukhei," jungwoo calls snapping him out of his day dream. he's further ahead with the sun shining behind him as he holds his hand out for lucas. "hurry up we're going to be late."

"sorry," he says catching up with jungwoo.

they jog the rest of the way with loud breathy laughs escaping their lips from exertion and their hands clasped tightly together.

    the theater lucas picked is one of the fancier movie theaters with big restrooms and recliner like seats. the only reason lucas is able to afford the tickets is because they give student discounts--oddly. luckily he was able to reserve pretty good seats and since it's still pretty early in the day they practically get the row to themselves.

the theater also doubles as a restaurant. the food isn't the best, but it's surprisingly cheap. it's also nice to eat something other than concession stand snacks while watching a movie.

both jungwoo and lucas scan the menu looking over the choice to see if anything stirs their appetite. they end up deciding to share the big nacho plate with their choice of soda. they buzz for the waiter who eagerly comes over to take their order and comes back a bit later with their drinks.

"your food should be out soon."

lucas thanks the man and turns over to look at the other. he feels the smile slip from his face as he watches jungwoo wraps his arms around his middle in efforts to keep himself warm.

"hey are you cold?"

jungwoo nods a bit sheepishly. "i'm anemic so i get cold pretty easily but its nothing too bad." lucas begins to take off his wind-breaker to which jungwoo shakes his head and waves his arms in protest. "it's alright it's not serious i'll survive."

"i know it's nothing serious but there's no way you're going to enjoy the movie when you're shaking like that. here," he says as he places the red jacket over jungwoo's shoulders. "besides what kind of date would i be if i let you freeze to death."

the air seems to still around them as soon as he finishes his sentence. they both stare at each other; their eyes both wide and mouths slightly parted. it was meant to be a joke but the atmosphere was wrong and so was his timing. he tried so hard for this not to come off as a date because in calling it a date there came unnecessary pressure and redundant thoughts.

did jungwoo want this to be a date? did he even consider him dateable? does jungwoo even like guys? yeah they shared a passionate makeout session but that could just be a dude-bro-thing straight guys do for their friends?

lucas feels his head spinning but luckily the waiter comes over with their order of nachos to snap him out of it. jungwoo thanks the man and smiles at him like he does with everyone. he slides his hands together and hums at how good it looks. he watches as jungwoo picks up a chip topped with cheese, meat and pico de gallo. he brings the chip to his lips, plopping it into his mouth and then humming at how good it is.

"yukhei. it's so good," he raves. "here try one!" jungwoo says before picking up a chip and holding up to lucas. he looks at jungwoo who stares at him with those long lashes and round eyes. "come on, have a bite."

lucas smells the chip as inconspicuous as possible before taking it into his mouth; his hand coming up to his mouth as he chews. his eyes go wide at how good it actually it is.

"i didn't think they were going to be that good," he laughs. "there's so much flavor in one chip. it's delicious," he says, already looking for more.

they stay like that: eating nachos and making jokes from time to time. sometimes he forgets how funny jungwoo is, which is odd because he seems to laugh more when they're together then he does with anyone else. he also likes making jungwoo laugh. he likes the shape his lips make and how it shows off his cute teeth. it's weird because he's never thought something like teeth to be cute until jungwoo. jungwoo with his breathy laugh and transparent smile is something so adorable and definitely not good for lucas' heart.

"yukhei," jungwoo calls, his voice soft as ever. "you have something on your nose." lucas looks up at him and jungwoo smiles. "here i'll get it."

jungwoo wipes at the smudge of cheese on lucas' nose with the pad of his thumb. it doesn't really do much but smudge the cheese along the tip of his nose.

"opps," jungwoo giggles before reaching over to jungwoo's seat to grab one of lucas' napkins to wipe it away. jungwoo is a bit too close and the smell of him is intoxicating.

"thanks." he says a bit mesmerized as jungwoo cleans the now dried smudge of cheese.

"don't mention it." jungwoo says as the lights start to dim. "besides what kind of date would it be if i let you walk around with food on your face."

lucas feels himself smile at that but the movie starts to roll before he can say anything.

    they make it back to jungwoo's dorm after the long bus ride home where jungwoo raved about the movie. this time they were able to get seats and looked happily out the their windows as they talked. jungwoo, as an art major, talked about color choices and the animation, but apparently he really enjoys slice of life movies and books.

"it makes you feel like anything can be a movie," jungwoo explained excitedly before retracting his statement. "well more like everything is capable of being as beautiful as a movie or worthy of being a page in a book. i think that's nice," he says his voice getting softer. "makes you appreciate the little things a bit more."

jungwoo's words ring in his ears as they sit on the bed again, talking and giggling about whatever subject they're discussing. lucas never really considered himself to be the artsy type but everything about jungwoo is so cinematic. every giggle and facial expression is worthy of a frame in a movie. all his thoughts and words that spew from his mouth deserve to be written in a book. lucas has never been one to romanticize life either, but spending the afternoon with soft music playing from jungwoo's laptop and with the orange lighting filtering into the small room has him feeling different.

lucas likes this: being with jungwoo, hearing his sweet voice and listening to his thoughts out loud in the cool autumn air of his dorm as the sun makes it's way home for the day. what he doesn't like is that he gets urges to touch him. he knows in his head that he can't. if lucas where to reach out for jungwoo it would make things complicated. as of now he can still try to make this a friend thing. he could play it off as two bros hanging out, but if he caresses and touches jungwoo's soft skin like he wants to, everything he has built will crumble. all the lies he told, the years he held everyone at a distance and girls he led on will be for nothing.

but its hard.

he flirts like a school girl with a crush and lucas finds it endearing. when he teases the older, jungwoo hits him playfully and pouts as if he doesn't like it. when he laughs he clings onto lucas' side and even the smallest touch ignites a fire underneath lucas' skin. he looks at him as if he want lucas to touch him, so when the sun finally sets he reaches out for him.

he cups jungwoo's face in the broad palms of his hands and slots their lips together. it's a bit forceful at first due to lucas' eagerness but it melts into something the two can both savor. lucas eyes open lazily to see jungwoo's eyes pressed closed. for second lucas thinks about stopping but this time jungwoo is the one to press their lips back together. he clutches onto lucas' shoulders, bringing him as close as he can.

jungwoo takes the lead in their kiss, of course, given lucas' inexperience. he doesn't mind though. he likes chasing after jungwoo's soft lips and the way they feel pressed against the plumpness of his own. jungwoo nibbles on lucas' bottom lip causing him to groan in pleasure.

"i thought you said you didn't like teeth."

jungwoo laughs, throwing his head back as he does so; exposing his neck in a way that lucas never thought would turn him on.

"i was only teasing." he says bringing his hand to rest on the side of lucas' neck as he looks into his eyes with a smile. "just like you are right now," jungwoo says as he leans back on the bed, bringing lucas down with him so he will hover above him. "come on lucas touch me."

lucas doesn't have time to think or worry he simply does.

he kisses jungwoo with so much passion and lust that he feels his body go up in flames. he runs his hands up and down jungwoo's firm torso and chest. he likes all the little noises jungwoo makes and the way their tongues intertwine. maybe he likes it a little too much, because he begins to feel himself get a bit hard. he feels jungwoo clinging on to him with his hands that rub at his shoulders and pull at his hair; his intoxicating smell is every where and it has lucas dizzy. he tries to ignore it at first and keeps his mind on other things. he tries to focus on jungwoo's breathing and the way his clothed thighs press against his side. but he can't ignore the heat that radiates through the front of jungwoo's jeans.

he runs his hands over jungwoo's long legs and gives his inner thighs a firm squeeze. the older lets out a whimper that drives him further. he wants more of that. he wants jungwoo to let out sighs and moans of pleasure and to contort into beautiful lines underneath him.

but suddenly it all stops and it feels a bit like whiplash.

"lucas if you don't want to continue then i think we should stop," jungwoo says, pressing their foreheads together as he takes a ragged breath. "i mean i don't want to stop but i also don't want to pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do."

he looks down at jungwoo's flushed cheeks and red lips. it's the same image that has played in his mind countless times before when jerking off, but now that he has him in front of him he's a bit scared. he can feel jungwoo's hard length pressed against him and sees how desperate he looks to get off that he thinks _how could he not continue_?

"just hands stuff," he says a bit shyly. "i don't think i'm ready for anything else."

jungwoo giggles at that but presses a kiss to his nose and nods, "alright just hand stuff."

jungwoo pulls him down for another kiss that quickly starts to turn into something less innocent. jungwoo begins to sit up and somehow manages to get back into lucas' lap. he can't complain. he likes the weight of the other on his thighs and how easy it is to run his hands along the curves of jungwoo's body. the older's hands explore lucas' body as well. the only difference this time is that he slips his hands under lucas' shirt. he feels his delicate fingers brush over his abdomen and rub over his chest. he lets out an embarrassing whimper when jungwoo brushes over his nipple.

"sensitive yukhei?"

lucas nods sheepishly to which jungwoo responds with an innocent smile before taking the bud between his fingers and pinching. lucas is a bit taken by surprise and tightens his grip on jungwoo's hips. he takes lucas' shirt and signals for him to hold it up, but lucas takes it off completely. he closes his eyes as jungwoo kisses down his neck, his eyelashes fluttering against his skin before taking lucas' nipple into his mouth. lucas whines and the sound of it makes his cheeks go hot.

jungwoo lets the bud out with a pop and kisses the sensitive spot before murmuring against his chest. "you're so fucking sexy."

for some reason that stirs something in yukhei. an overwhelming sense of wanting to be good and to pleasure jungwoo. to be praised.

he clashes their mouths together once again his hands squeezing at jungwoo's ass. the kiss is all teeth and tongue and it's a bit too wet, but it's so hot. all he really wants is to rub against jungwoo until he cums in his pants or to palm him through his jeans. whatever jungwoo wants.

"please," he says his face resting against jungwoo's neck. he rubs up against jungwoo's ass desperately, trying to gain some kind of relief; both their breathing ragged and a bit desperate. he lets his hand run over jungwoo's length, giving it a squeeze. "can i touch you?"

"alright," jungwoo chokes out, pressing open mouth kisses on his bare shoulder. "lets take out jeans off."

they both wiggle out of their pants and toss them to the side. lucas sighs in relief and feels some of the discomfort in his groin disappear. he looks down and tries to fight the blush on his face from seeing the wet spot his precum formed at the front of his boxers. he hopes jungwoo won't notice but its kind of impossible that he won't.

he sits back on lucas' lap, the bare skin of his soft milky thighs pressing against him and material of his sweater sliding against his skin. jungwoo went ahead and slipped out of his underwear, but his over-sized jumper does a good job of covering him up. the more experienced out of the two is the first one to make a move. he pulls down the thin material of lucas' boxers far enough so his hard length sprouts out and falls against his flat stomach. he hisses at the cool air hitting his sensitive head but jungwoo doesn't give him much time to adjust before he takes him into his hand.

"fuck jungwoo," he groans as the other spreads the precum that has gathered at his slit. he lets out a string of incoherent sounds as jungwoo thumbs at his head.

he tries to hide the broken moan that irrupts from his lips when jungwoo adds more pressure by biting at jungwoo's neck. he starts kissing at the pale skin of jungwoo's neck and collar bones. it's so much better when someone's touching your dick you. every touch and squeeze is nothing compared to the countless of times lucas has secretly jacked off in the dorm's community showers or late at night in his shared dorm room.

jungwoo begins to squirm in his lap as lucas hands play and squeeze the swell of his ass. "yukhei." he begs and without having to say another word lucas knows what he wants.

jungwoo's sweater is covering his hard length and he has to pull it out for under the knitted material so he can touch him properly. jungwoo hisses as the material drags over his aching cock.

staring at the hard dick in front of him is a bit intimidating and the fact that it's jungwoo's isn't helping much either. what if he's bad at this? what if jungwoo hates him for giving him a terrible handjob? fuck it. he swallows back any insecurity he has and just goes for it.

it's a lot wetter than he imagined. jungwoo produces a lot more precum then lucas usually does so every touch is a lot slicker. there are a lot of little things he never considered when thinking about pleasuring a man; like how from this angle his wrist hurts a bit and how hard it is to focus on pleasuring someone when you're getting pleasured.

he likes it though. 

he enjoys the way his large hand consumes jungwoo's length and the weight of his cock in his palm. he adores the way jungwoo responds to his touch and how he craves more of it. watching jungwoo is the best part though. his cheeks get so pink and he seems to glisten in the dorm's harsh lightening. all the little sounds he lets out are amazing too. his harsh breathing and the way he squeezes his eyes shut, trying hard not to fuck up into lucas' hand is the hottest thing he's ever seen. his favorite thing that jungwoo does though is bite his lip when lucas does something that he likes.

jungwoo looks at him with parted lips and staggered breath and it only adds to his pleasure. fuck he's so gorgeous.

both their paces begin to get more vigorous. the two boys begin to thrust up into the other's tight fist not being able to get enough of it. they both look at each other as they do it calling out each other's names. their gazes hot and unwavering. the wet sounds fill the room as do their moans. and when jungwoo begins to play with lucas' balls he knows he won't last much longer. jungwoo massages at the sensitive skin as he uses his other hand to bring lucas to his climax that has been building for what seems like hours. lucas tries his best to keep up with jungwoo and twist his wrist the way he knows he likes it so he can get him to cum as well.

lucas cums first and jungwoo soon afterwards. he's never felt something so intense and he doesn't think he's ever cummed so much. luckily he settles down enough so he can see jungwoo when it happens. jungwoo's eyes scrunch close as does his nose and he lets out a string of high pitched whines.

it's adorable.

jungwoo falls against his chest and struggles to regain his breath. lucas soothes circles onto his back and tries not to think about their cum that has spluttered everywhere. he smiles and feels grateful towards jungwoo. it might have been a sub par handjob to him but to lucas it's a stepping stone. this moment is the first of many that will lead yukhei to be truly happy and fully accept himself.

he's never been good with expressing his feelings out loud though, so he thanks jungwoo with his actions. he presses sweet kisses onto his skin and lays him on his back so he can clean them up. he even gets rid of the soiled sheets so they can lay down together before he has to leave because jungwoo's roommate will be home soon. he clings onto jungwoo in the short amount of time and kisses him softly hoping it'll be enough. that he'll be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made a little playlist that you can listen to [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/insanityoftwo/playlist/54jg2WDwSN9gL3UfsT6aoV?si=beaPaiiLTdC4My4_3YIPEA) of the type of songs that jungwoo and lucas were listening to while hanging in the chapter. i really do hope you guys liked this story so far and that there aren't too many mistakes. i always edit twice before i post and then again a day after to see if i made any mistakes but i still miss them sometimes. i'm going to try and get my friend to be my beta reader but we're both pretty busy w/class sooooo idk. also pls excuse my smut bc i know it isn't the best but im working on it. i'll be updating soon so pls leave comments bc i like feedback and really love replying to them :(


	3. The Guy From the Drag Show?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jungwoo is stressed about the drag show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof. it took me a whole ass month to update. i have actually been really busy with my classes, depressed;), and a lot has been going on with my familia so hahahaha i haven't had time to finish this chapter. i actually wrote this chapter before even publishing the first chapter of this story but decided to rewrite it bc it was a bit weird and that's actually what took me so long. i rewrote it once but kept getting stuck so i made a third version (this version) which turned out pretty okay. i also want to address two things. one, i don't hate momo from twice but i needed someone and momo fit well (i really needed a dancer ok.) second, i use drag show very lightly in this story and i don't mean to offend anyone. i know drag queens/kings are of their own subculture and jungwoo (or anyone else) doesn't dress up in full drag but i still call it that. i called it a drag show because often times schools will put on this type of show to raise money or even just for fun. all my schools since secondary did it and i can of normalized it so i hope i don't offend anyone by this bc it wasn't my intention but feel free to drop a comment below and i'll try to fix it:). this chapter is really fluffy so this is for yall soft bitches. i hope you guys enjoy!! pls drop a comment, kudos or bookmark below. you can follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/retrofutrism) or [tumblr](http://retrofutrism.tumblr.com/) but i'm annoying and boring and post about anime and bts so beware lmaoo

    the days have been cooler recently. the sun still continues to shine, but when in the shade the temperature feels like it drops. the wind rushes through seoul at a fast tempo, rustling the remaining leaves that cling to branches and causing them to cascade down onto the asphalt and grass.

the sun is at it's fullest hours of the day and jungwoo and lucas are in bed together. they find themselves like this most days and he's glad he has someone to tangle his limbs with under a duvet during this weather. lucas has always preferred the heat of the summer over the bitter winter. he watches as light pours in through the window; shinning on jungwoo's glistening chest, casting shapes and shadows on his pale skin. he plans to make the most the warm sun before it's gone and replaced by the cold overcast winter. and who better to enjoy it with than jungwoo?

it feels like they do everything together. they walk to class together; they eat together; they study together and they've started to go out with more frequency. either going to some random restaurant jungwoo has been craving or some place lucas has heard about that sounds like enjoyable. they're still not dates and he refuses to call them that, but he looks forward to them. he knows jungwoo's schedule has been hectic lately—getting ready for the drag show, midterms, work, etc—so he appreciates the effort the other puts into making time to hang out. he hadn't even really noticed how busy and stressed out jungwoo is until he went to go pick him up from practice last friday night.

lucas had arrived a bit early, or maybe the practice had gone on longer than expected, he doesn't quite remember. but he does remember sitting in front of the dance room on the tiled floor. the empty corridor cold, and a bit eerie filled him catharsis. the usual crowded campus halls were now vacant. usually he couldn't even hear himself think when walking the halls of this building but now a pen could be heard when dropped. lucas sighed in contentment and snuggled into his red jacket. the same red jacket he let jungwoo borrow at the movies. the other had just given it back to him that morning and even if the older claimed it was washed before it was returned, his smell clung to the fabric.

lucas must have sat there staring at the wooden door for a solid ten minutes before someone came out from the practice room and everyone followed suit. lucas recognized most of them but he wouldn't say he's friendly enough with anyone to say hi. so he sits back and tries not to make eye contact with anyone. he watched the performers pour out of the wooden door frame and searched through them to find jungwoo. yuta, jungwoo's coworker, caught his eye imminently. yuta came out of the dance room, radiating the same sleazy energy as always with his hand slung over some smaller guys shoulder. he leaned in to whisper something into the guys ear that left him blushing and playfully pushing at his chest in embarrassment. yuta laughed at his reaction but must have felt someone staring because their eyes meet not too long after. lucas felt like a deer in the headlights and became aware of how stupid he looked. yuta only held eye contact with him for a second or two and turned away, but as he turned to look in the other direction lucas could see the sneer that began to grow on his face.

lucas felt a bit weird about that. he doesn't think jungwoo told yuta about the two of them because _they_ aren't really a _thing_ , but it's not like he's good at hiding or tried to hide it either. yuta probably sees how lucas paces around waiting for jungwoo to get off his shift, and has definitely seen him bring jungwoo coffee and little snacks at work. he must think lucas is some love sick puppy who chases after jungwoo. he isn't far off, but lucas doesn't like that he knows so when jungwoo and him walk home he leaves a good amount of space between them. it lasted for a good five minutes, because all those strange, invading thoughts leave his mind as soon as he really takes a look at jungwoo. he looks fucking tired. his eyelids hang low and it looks like he's blinking to stay awake. he can walk, but every step that he takes looks like it pains him and he looks absolutely miserable.

"you okay there? you look like you can barely walk."

"i'm just tired." jungwoo said his voice soft and his eyes dull. "the lack of sleep and overworking have finally caught up to me I guess."

"you wanna piggy back ride?"

"i can walk." jungwoo laughed, nudging lucas with his shoulder. "just tired."

as soon as they got to jungwoo's dorm he changed and when his head hit the pillow he past out. lucas tucked him in and pet his hair for a little while before going back to his own dorm. from that night he decided to look for ways to distress jungwoo and get him to sleep. he tried the basic teas and sudoku but he only found two effective methods: _taking walks and getting off._

going on walks has always helped lucas. especially when the sun is minutes from hiding away causing the sky to irrupt into pretty warm colors; white wisps of clouds turning pink and fluffier than they've been all day. if he goes to a trail, like he usually does, everything is quiet and sometimes he can see the nocturnal animals that hide out in the wood trails. jungwoo seems to like it too, but he prefers to take walks at dawn when the sun is still making its way towards the sky. lucas doesn't like to wake up at six in the morning but he does like jungwoo. he likes the look of relaxation on his face and how basks in the sun with a peaceful, happy smile. if he has to wake up at whatever ungodly hour he'll do it. just to see him smile.

now the whole jacking off thing happened on accident. his original plan was to distract jungwoo from his worries with movies. he went over one day with a movie in mind and microwaved popcorn in hand. jungwoo was ecstatic. they ended watching the movie for a whole solid thirty minutes before they started cuddling. neither of them have a set preference on who gets to be the little/big spoon, but that day jungwoo wanted to be held so he was the little spoon. it started off innocent. the hair on top of jungwoo's head tickled lucas' nose and lucas' arms wrapped around the older. jungwoo's sweatpants clad legs tangled with lucas'—who's legs were a bit exposed because of his shorts. then half way through the movie jungwoo pressed back against him, which he tried to write off as an accident, but his ass just kept rubbing against his front. again, he tried to ignore it and focused on how nice the movie score fit with the particular scene on the laptop screen. when he heard jungwoo calling out his name he couldn't do it any longer and reached around to get him off. as it turned out, jungwoo felt significantly less tense after that which makes sense. sex and masturbation tend to do that. lucas also feels a bit of satisfaction knowing that he helps jungwoo feel even a little bit better.

lucas also always feels horny most of the time so he doesn't mind helping out.

it's so odd. it's almost like he's back to being a horny teenager again. clearly when he was a teen his only relief was his hand and maybe the occasional sock or pillow, but what seems to be a constant is that everything seems to spark a heat down below and jungwoo is more than willing to recuperate. it's great. so fucking great.

today they're in a similar position but lucas never seems to get bored of it. he likes touching jungwoo. he enjoys kissing his skin, rubbing his hands over the long line of jungwoo's body and watching the older writhe underneath him. he likes screwing around with jungwoo but he likes how plaint and sleepy he gets afterwards; he really likes how cuddly he gets too. like now jungwoo is underneath him, his breath scattered and his swollen lips bruised red. lucas presses kisses to jungwoo's heavy eyelids and pushes away the bangs that stick to his forehead.

jungwoo hums and snakes his arms around lucas' neck to bring him close. "i'm cold," jungwoo mumbles into the skin of lucas' neck.

"i guess i have to hold you until you warm up then." lucas says squeezing jungwoo tightly trying to create some kind of warmth.

jungwoo is always cold. his hands are so icy all of the time and the tips of his fingers always send shivers down lucas' spine. lucas finds it oddly endearing because it gives him an excuse to dote over the older. ever since the mornings have been getting colder it's gotten worse. it doesn't help that jungwoo hardly ever dresses accordingly to the weather either, but it gives him a reason to hold jungwoo's hand—which isn't small, but compared to his own, is tiny. it also means that a good amount of lucas' jackets and sweaters are now somewhere in jungwoo's hamper. lucas should be annoyed that half of his winter clothes are gone but he likes how most of his clothes smell like jungwoo.

during the day it's fine because he can keep jungwoo warm, but the frigid nights make lucas feel so helpless. jungwoo is often alone in his dorm because roommate sleeps at his girlfriend's most nights. he always feels bad thinking about it. nights, especially during the winter, can get lonely. just last night jungwoo sent him a text complaining about how cold his dorm was and how empty the room felt. lucas remembers frowning and telling jungwoo to layer on his roommate's covers—he figures since he's hardly home so they should be clean. their conversation somehow turned into really unsexy sexting—that technically wasn't even really sexting—but at the time had been really hot. he has a sneaking suspicion it was sort of the reason jungwoo wanted to hang out before going to class.

it's so weird how just last night they were craving each other's touch and missing the taste of the other's lips, but now here they are tangled up together. the smell of jungwoo—a strong mix of jasmine that reminds him of incense his mom use to burn and the faint trace of his deodorant—fills his senses. he takes a deep breath trying to saver the scent for when the other isn't around. never in his life had he ever missed someone while they were in the same room until he met jungwoo.

"i wish i could stay here all day." jungwoo says as he buries his face into lucas' neck. "sometimes i feel like time speeds up when we're together."

"maybe father time is jealous that's why we're always rushing for time."

there's a bit of a silent pause before jungwoo chuckles.

"when's the last time you think father time got a handjob?"

"what do you mean?" lucas says burst out in laughter, falling on the bed next to jungwoo.

jungwoo giggles along and drapes himself over lucas' bare chest.

"i mean think about it. he is the master of time and spends it alone. his favorite pass time is probably watching grains of sand fall to the bottom half of an hour glass." jungwoo says softly, tracing his finger along the dips and valleys of lucas' chest. "i couldn't imagine spending it alone."

"he's probably use to it." lucas says. "i mean he's spent an eternity alone and he knows he'll spend the rest of it alone, so why long for something he can't have?"

"when you bury something, no matter how deep you dig, it doesn't disappear. same with emotions. no matter how much you ignore them or cast them aside, it doesn't mean that it's not there. hypothetically speaking, i mean," jungwoo adds.

"hypothetically i guess you're right."

    jungwoo has to go to class so lucas drags himself back to his dorm and debates whether or not he will go to class. after a very brief debate he decides to get his classmate to sign him in and opts to stay in bed listening to music through his cheap portable speaker. it's mostly britpop and slow eighty's music but he keeps it at a reasonable volume so his neighbors don't complain. the walls are thin after all; thin enough to hear ten coming down the hall.

ten likes to enter the dorm in grandeur even if he knows lucas isn't home. this time he chooses to push open the door and waack his way towards lucas' bed. lucas simply watches in amusement as he dances and slut drops before throwing himself on the bed. lucas laughs under ten's weight not being able to let out anything but loud gags of laughter.

"get off of me!" he chokes out.

ten giggles in his ear as he does the exact opposite and get cozy on lucas' back. he looks down at his younger roommate and gives him a mischievous smile.

"whatch ya been up to babe?" ten says as he rolls over to lay next to his friend instead of on top of him. "i feel like i haven't been seeing much of you these days. you're never home."

"aww baby. i've been missing you too." lucas says a bit touched that his best friend has missed his presence at the dorm. he reaches over to rub at his shoulder. "but to tell you the truth i haven't really been up to much... just studying at the library for mid-terms and going to the gym a bit more often."

lucas feels a twist in his stomach and tries his best to push it away. ten shouldn't suspect anything about him and jungwoo but suddenly lucas feels incredibly guilty. guilt because he's been sneaking around behind everyone's back and treating jungwoo like his dirty secret, but mostly because after nearly a month of being with jungwoo he still feels guilty for it.

"one of my friends works at the gym actually." the pain in lucas' stomach intensifies. "nakamoto yuta? sound familiar?"

of course it did. the guy with the shit eating grin who always looks at lucas as if he knows everything.

lucas merely shrugs at the question. " no clue, but what about you? what's going on ten's exciting world?"

"well..." ten smirks, purses his lips and taps at his chin. "i've been talking to this guy."

lucas' ears perk up at that.

"do tell."

"he's on momo's dance team and i know, i just know, he has a big dick." lucas lets out a loud squawk of a laugh that only pushes ten on. "he also has the cutest nose and nicest laugh. he moves like he can fuck me into oblivion."

lucas jaw drops at that and he can't help but continue to laugh. ten has always been very vocal about his attraction to men which is something lucas has always admired being that he personally isn't. lucas has known him for a while now and he still isn't use to how open ten can be about his sexuality.

"i have a feeling he has some weird kinks though." ten says, sounding almost worried. "i mean i'm not one to judge or discriminate against kinks, but there are just things i'm not comfortable with."

lucas feels himself frown.

"but i thought you really liked him? not pursuing something with him for some sexual preference seems a bit much don't you think?"

"no. i don't think so." ten says propping himself up with his elbow. "i mean i like the kid but if we aren't sexually compatible then what's the point of being with someone who i know i can't satisfy? i know it sounds bad but it's true. knowing your partner wants something you can't give to them, over time, can weigh on a relationship causing it to collapse."

lucas goes silent.

ten wasn't exactly wrong, but lucas' mind isn't thinking about sex. it's thinking about jungwoo and how maybe he wants something that exceeds what lucas can give him. what if jungwoo wants someone who parades him around and shows him off to his friends? lucas gets nervous going around with jungwoo as it is. he can't imagine showing him off. what if jungwoo wants someone more experience when it comes to sex? he just got the hand of kissing.

"but..." ten says dragging it out and his eyes becoming mischievous. "speaking of momo..."

"we weren't."

"she was mentioned and since she was mentioned i just want to say that she's single again and ready to mingle."

"i told you i don't want to date momo." he groans. "or anyone for that matter! i'm fine on my own."

"i just want you to know that you have options! people think you're good looking and you have the best, brightest, personality that wins everyone over. you don't have to trap yourself with these rules that you've set for yourself. it is okay fuck up. it's okay to go out and get plastered, to have passionate or meaningless sex, and it is totally fine to fall in and out love. the only person who's stopping you from experiencing these things is yourself."

lucas knows he's right but he'll be damn if he admits it.

"like i said," lucas says as he gets up from the bed. "i have no interest in dating momo."

    there was an awkward tension in the air after ten and lucas' discussion. ten tried to mend things by going out and buying the two of them food. lucas kind of brushed him off. lucas was mad but not at a ten. he was made at himself.

lucas' head feels like it weighs a ton and he can't stop his mind from racing. he has too many conflicting thoughts buzzing around up there. most of them about jungwoo. jungwoo who goes out of his way to hang out with lucas even if he is neck deep in things he has to do. jungwoo who has a lovely smile and makes lucas laugh on even his worst days. lucas, who is undeserving of such affection and attention, still seeks him and wastes the other's time. it's selfish for lucas to want to be hand and hand with jungwoo but wanting it to be under his own conditions.

lucas' phone buzzes and he groans as he rolls over to grab it from his jacket. the text is from jungwoo.

_hey! want to come over? my roommate is out and found a pretty good movie on netflix ;P_

he rolls his eyes fondly at the dorky emoticon. his fingers automatically type out a yes but that same guilty gut feeling twists and rummages in his stomach. he groans. he backspaces and settles for a lame excuse to why he can't come over and an apology.

_it's fine. i'll see you tomorrow night at the performance then:)_

    he ends up inviting ten to the drag show, but it's not like ten wasn't already going.

"i want to be apart of everything gay on campus" ten says the next day while they're getting ready. lucas watches in amusement as ten tries to put on fake lashes like he has for the last ten minutes. "but why are you going?" ten says. he looks away from the ring light mirror and over at lucas who's lounging on his bed. "i mean not to be generalize or anything but it just doesn't seem like your thing."

he's right. lucas didn't have much interest in art and didn't know anyone besides jungwoo in the art program. he also had never shown any interest in cross dressing either; that ten knows of because just the thought of jungwoo in a lingerie has him sweating.

"a friend invited me." he says plainly, avoiding his friend's gaze by fidgeting with a pillow.

ten turns around fully in his chair to give him a look. "bitch what friend? you only have me."

lucas' throat suddenly becomes dry. just dropping jungwoo's name out of nowhere would be weird. how does he go about this the _straight way_?

"oh, i see," ten says before lucas can even think of a reply. ten turns around fully in his chair to continue with his wonky eyelashes. "you're finally taking my advice and trying things out with momo, huh?"

lucas is taken back and lets out a noise of annoyance—not because momo is displeasing person, but because ten keeps bringing her up.

"why is momo going to be there?"

"who do you think choreographed the performances?" ten says teasingly.

"you know how i feel about both momo and dating." he says trying to cover up the fact that he practically gagged at the mention of trying things with a girl.

"yeah yeah," ten sighs as he adds some stick-on-jewels to the inner corner of his eyes and brow bone. "you don't want to date or whatever."

"momo wants something serious that'll last. i can't give her that, neither do i want it. it wouldn't be fair to her or me."

"you know lucas, if you don't date now while you're young you will die a virgin."

lucas lets out a laugh. "shut up!"

"it's true!" he says, turning around to look at lucas. "look babe. I love you, you know this, but you should enjoy yourself while you're young. i mean you're hot and there's so many willing girls."

lucas doesn't say anything because what else is there to say.

_ten, i've actually been seeing someone._

_ten, i like dick._

_ten, i've haven't been around because i've been too busy fucking around with jungwoo in his dorm._

"alright i'm done!" ten says after changing into his outfit.

he does a spin and only stumbles a bit which is quite impressive for someone who doesn't use heels regularly. he's wearing a nice scarlet dress that shows off his contoured chest and shoes that look suffocating. ten would look even better if he didn't buy a cheap wig from the local market. "you look good man." he says nodding. "you might want to pack some extra eyelash glue in your bra or something though."

"already got it." ten says before giving his a once over. "wait are you going like that?"

lucas looks down at his black hoodie, over sized jean jacket, and white sweats.

"what? it's street wear."

ten groans but doesn't nag him because they're already running behind schedule.

    an american style sports bar, popular among the students on campus, agreed to let the art club host the drag night at their location. they even agreed to donate a percentage of the sales of that night. lucas had been to the bar a handful of times, the atmosphere was nice, food is decent, and they have a student discount. ten is the one who usually drags him out to the place but today lucas is the one leading the way.

the bar is filled to the brim with students ranging from loud jocks to literary geeks. luckily they find a decent spot not too far from the stage area next to a group of giggling girls. lucas orders some beers and wings to eat as they enjoy the show.

the mc ends up being a the wacky art professor with large round eyes lucas tries to avoid when he passes through the art department. it isn't because he's had a bad experience with the man, he's just a bit frightening is all. but he turns out to be pretty good at hyping up the crowd.

the first performance is a group of girls with their hair tied back, in suits, with badly painted facial hair dancing to micheal jackson's black and white. both ten and lucas cheer them on with red stained fingers and mouths filled with food. they continue like this for most of the show munching on food while sipping on cold beer.

yuta's skit is performed towards the end of the program. the smaller man is dressed as general li shang and yuta as mulan of course. the prince is a beautiful in a very striking way and yuta looks alright he supposes. he doesn't look too bad dressed as a woman.

the whole skit is suppose to be a humorous take on what happens after the 'happily ever after'. the princess complains about the typical "couple stuff" and they start to get into a big argument. lucas doesn't find it very entertaining, but everyone around him seems to find it relatable. ten even grabs onto his arm because he's laughing so hard. what really captures his attention though is the finally. the couple both promise to do better and make up. then the princess leans in to peck the prince on the lips which soon turns into a full make out secession. lucas feels his mouth drop and everyone around him goes crazy. the bar is suddenly filled with hollering and wolf whistles from everyone.

lucas feels himself get hot and flustered at how yuta grabs the prince by the waist, pulling him closer to him so he can kiss him deeper. the prince grabs at the others jaw and lucas' heart races watching the forcefulness of their hands gripping at each other. he swears he sees the two swapping tongues and everyone around him just cheers them on.

the mc comes on stage and stops the two before it goes too far, thankfully. "alright everyone give it up for nakamoto yuta and dong sicheng!" everyone claps as the two bow before leaving the stage. "okay our next performance is the last one of the night." the crowd groans and complains at that. "i know, i know, but you're in for a treat! ladies, gentleman and everyone else in between, here to preform touch-a, touch-a, touch me from the rocky horror picture show is lee taeyong kim jungwoo, and moon taeil!"

the crowd cheers and then when the performers come out they roar. the one he recognizes as taeyong is wearing a big puffy wig and lounging clothes while the other, who he assumes is taeil, wears only black jeans, his oiled up torso on full display. then there's jungwoo. the soft boy, who practically lives in sweaters and long sleeved shirts and who lucas has become incredibly fond of, is suddenly in a lacey night gown. the nightgown is a pretty nude pink that comes up to the top of his pretty pale thighs and the black garter underneath peaks out when he walks. his makeup is very subtle and the wig they picked out is so close to his natural hair that it looks like his own.

lucas feels short of breath because _fuck_ jungwoo looks so fucking hot. but he also looks incredibly nervous. even after spending an hour with jungwoo it becomes obvious that he's an anxious person. he stutters when he has to place his order at cafes, lets out a nervous laugh when he has to repeat things twice because his voice is too soft, and is timid around new comers at the gym. it has always confused him how the older was a theater major, but seeing up there pale as a ghost he fully realizes why he couldn't go through with it.

lucas tries his best to make eye contact with jungwoo but it's incredibly hard. jungwoo's eyes seem to be frozen and stare blankly ahead. he looks around him and everyone is still whistling and hollering. fuck it.

"jungwoo!" he calls.

jungwoo's eyes flicker around until they find lucas'. he gives him a small nervous, smile, that breaks lucas' heart. lucas motions for him to take a deep breath and relax. jungwoo nods and lets out a shaky breath.

"you'll do great." he mouths as he holds both thumbs up.

they get into postion and the back track starts. the performance starts off slow with taeyong doing some type of narration which leads into jungwoo's part. jungwoo starts off coy and teasing having taeil follow him around. it is almost like he wasn't two second from barfing on stage. as soon as the performance begun this facade of a sexy enchantress took over. if it isn't for the fact that jungwoo is prancing around in lingerie lucas would have been able to appreciate his beautiful, steady, voice and how perfect the song fits it. but soon as lucas found himself getting lost in his sweet voice the music starts to kick in and taeil rips jungwoo's nightgown exposing a black corset.

the crowd cheers as they watch jungwoo sing and taeil run his hands roam jungwoo's shoulders and abdomen. lucas feels a sense of jealousy and resentment towards the man who's touching all over jungwoo, but the amount of want he feels for jungwoo surpasses that by far. he even imagines that those hands are his and that he is the one running his hands down jungwoo's lower back. lucas adjust his situation below and sits in a more comfortable position.

there comes a part where jungwoo has to sit down on a table and have taeil in between his legs "kissing his neck". that's when their eyes meet, and jungwoo moans, while looking him dead in the eye before his eyes flutter shut. he feels his breath hitch and he's glad the crowd has their eyes glued to the stage, because he begins to squirm in his seat. if lucas hadn't lost it when he saw jungwoo in the lingerie, he definitely does when jungwoo starts to sputter out whiny moans while clutching onto taeil's back. that's when things start to get a bit hazy and lucas finds himself kind of spaced out.

all three somehow end up in a dance sequence that ends with all of them doing jazz hands when the music comes to a stop. they all smile, breathlessly as the crowd cheers and give them a standing ovation. they bow and that's when professor kim comes back up with all the acts of the night. they all bow and the crowd whistles and cheers for them.

"firstly i'd like to thank everyone on behalf of the art department at ncu for coming out to support and raise money for our art show! it means so much to us honestly. now for the voting portion! if you have a favorite act, please head to the voting station, pay the small fee and place your vote! voting ends at nine-forty and the winners will be announced at ten, so see you then!"

everyone on stage disperses after that but the energy around the bar is still incredibly high and infectious. everyone seems to be buzzing and talking about their favorites. lucas and ten wait in line for their turn to place their votes as they discuss the acts like everyone else. ten's favorite was yuta's. he says it was the one that put a smile on his face and kept him entertained the longest.

"i mean, the last act was good too, but all they really had was the shock factor of putting a guy in lingerie." ten argues and lucas can't help but disagree.

"first off he was singing live while dancing which is more than anyone else did. his singing was great and even if he was dancing in a trash bag it still would have been the best." lucas finds himself saying a bit too defensively.

ten purses his lips and nods as if in thought. "i guess he did have a pretty voice."

lucas wants to say that everything about jungwoo is pretty but decides to keep that to himself.

after they're done voting they decide to sit down at the bar for some more drinks. lucas discretely looks around for jungwoo who has disappeared after the performance. he frowns thinking that maybe jungwoo left or that he was struggling with his nerves. lucas lets out sigh and throws back the rest of his drink.

ten's in the middle of critiquing the black and white choreography when he spots the guy from his dance class he's been talking to. lucas has heard so many rants about how perfect this man is that he himself is a bit in love with the guy. lucas watches his friend who stares at the man lovingly from a far, not being able to muster the confidence to talk to him.

"ten, you are literally the most confident person i know! why the hell are you freaking out? you guys text all the time. why are you suddenly getting cold feet?"

ten is uncharacteristically quiet and bashful. lucas is almost shocked at ten's demeanor. "ten!" he says grabbing his best friend's shoulders and shaking him. "you are hot! you are smart! you can dance and you're funny! just go fucking talk to the dude!"

"you're right." ten lets out a breath and takes the second shot he has been babysitting since he bought it and shoots it down. "i'm a bad bitch and i need to start acting like it," he says before walking over to the booth of rowdy boys.

lucas watches as his friend flirts with the senior in that ridiculous wig with a fond smile plastered on his face. suddenly he feels a hand sneak on his back and for a moment he thinks it's jungwoo, but the touch is too light. jungwoo's touch is delicate but not weak. he turns around to see a girl with bangs and her long blonde framing her hair. momo. great.

"lucas? i can't believe a guy like you is sitting alone at a bar." she says her smile sweet and her hand running along his shoulder as she makes her way towards ten's old seat. "you having fun?"

lucas simply nods and explains that he came to support a friend. she nods and begins to praise him for being such a good, supportive friend.

this isn't the first time a girl has hit on him at a bar, or the fifth or even the seventh. eager girls come up to him all the time in search for a suitor and lucas feels terrible each time. he doesn't know how to reject them in a way that says _'im gay and literally incapable of being physically and romantically attracted to you_ ' without it coming out douchey. he feels bad. how could he not? he's never mean to the girls—if anything he's a little too nice—only because he feels like he somehow leads these girls on. they come to him looking for something he could never give them and lucas instead of telling them—and everyone else—the truth, he keeps it to himself.

"you mind if i sit?" she says her perfectly sculpted eyebrow raising under her bangs. he motions her to sit down, because he can't very well tell her that he'd much rather sit alone and watch his best friend flirt with the guy he's been thirsting over since the beginning of the semester.

momo isn't like most of the girls that usually try to flirt with him, but that isn't necessarily a good thing. unlike the girls who have approached lucas before, she's good at holding a conversation, but as long as it's centered around her and if the questioned are relevant enough so she can turn it around so she can talk about herself.

lucas half listens to her and feels his eyes droop as she talks about her sorority.

the girl stops mid sentence and looks at someone behind him and that's when lucas feels a hand sneak its way around his waist that makes him shoot up straight from his slouched position. jungwoo hand squeezes his side and smiles down at him when lucas looks up at him in surprise. he's dressed in his regular clothes thankfully so when he plops himself onto lucas' lap and wraps his arms around his neck it's less stressful.

"hey babe, sorry i took so long! i had to take that damn corset off," he groans and lucas blindly plays along tries to ignore the blush on his cheeks at being called 'babe'.

he wraps his arms around jungwoo's middle and smiles, "for you i'd wait forever." jungwoo laughs at that, a faint blush playing on his cheeks. "this is momo, ten hyung's friend."

jungwoo smiles over at momo sincerely, something she tries, but fails to reciprocate. they introduce themselves and momo hangs around another five minutes before scurrying back to her friends.

they watch her walk away before turning to each other and irrupting into a fit of giggles. jungwoo untangles himself from lucas, much to his dismay, and sits over where momo once was. "you looked like you needed some help."

lucas thanks him wholeheartedly which jungwoo waves off. "she was pretty though, can't imagine why you would want her to get away."

"not really my type." he shrugs nonchalantly. jungwoo seems to get what lucas is implying, but doesn't comment on it. "i liked your performance by the way, you looked good."

'looked good' feels like an understatement. what lucas wanted to say is that he really wanted jungwoo to moan his name and touch him like he did taeil. he wanted jungwoo legs wrapped around his waist while lucas fucked him in that corset, but thinking something and saying it are too different things.

"thanks i was pretty nervous though." he says sheepishly.

"hey." lucas says squeezing his thigh. "you did great and you had fun so that's all that matters.

jungwoo beams at that and says that they weren't expecting so many people, but he's glad everyone's hard work payed off. he even admits how his practices were initially performed in high heels but taeil got insecure about his height. lucas laughs at his little anecdotes about preparing for the performances and buzzes from just being with the other. well it could also be from the alcohol they're sipping on but he likes to think it's from jungwoo's warmth.

for once he isn't constantly looking over his shoulder to see if someone is staring at them. for once he doesn't care about what everyone else thinks but focuses solely on jungwoo. as they talk they somehow gravitate closer towards one another and lucas notices how touchy the older is when he's tipsy. when he laughs he leans against him and when he talks his hand tends to roam for a place to rest. as of now, jungwoo's hand is placed on the top of lucas sculpted thigh, rubbing it every so often. he's always known how attracted he is to jungwoo but the alcohol has made his cheeks a rosy pink, and he has a thin coat of mascara that increases the length of his lashes that makes him even prettier. jungwoo also has this drunken glow to him and that makes lucas want reach out to touch his radiant skin.

they're so trapped in their own little world where it's just the two of them that it feels like it's just the two of them. the alcohol running through his veins makes him hyper aware of every touch, giggle and laugh. he's enraptured with jungwoo that he almost feels emotional. _wow_ , lucas needs to get it together because he really doesn't want to explain why he's getting teary eyed.

"jungwoo." lucas says reaching over to tuck his bangs behind his ear. "you want to go to my dorm room? i'm kind of afraid if i have another shot i'll end embarrassing myself."

jungwoo nods and looks up at him like a puppy, eyes big, and mouth open wide with excitement. lucas wants to caress him and place thousands of little kisses all over his face, but he settles with paying his tab so they can leave as soon as possible.

    they walk towards jungwoo's dorms side by side, their proximity making their hands brush every so often; each time a fit of butterflies irrupting in his stomach, their delicate wings tickling his insides and making his heart race. their knuckles brush and lucas, hesitantly, reaches out to intertwine their fingers. his hands, like always, are not far from icicles.

"always so cold." he says as he takes their hands into his jacket pocket.

"but you're always around to keep me warm." jungwoo coos, resting his head on lucas' shoulder.

even if the temperatures are hitting low numbers he feels significantly warm by jungwoo's side.

when they get to lucas' place they do their best to take off their shoes and the walk must have really sobered them up because they only stumble a little bit. they both giggle at jungwoo who tries to untie is sneaker as lucas holds him up. lucas smiles at jungwoo who moves his shoes over to the corner neatly in the mess ten and lucas have.

"what?"

lucas kisses jungwoo's forehead. "nothing you're just really cute."

they walk over to lucas' bed that isn't as cluttered as it usually is thankfully, but he can't say that much about the floor.

"sorry about the mess." he says as he kicks some scattered magazines, old notes and dirty clothes under his bed. "it isn't usually so dirty, but i haven't really had time to clean up. and ten is a bit of a mess as you can tell." he says gesturing over to his side of the room.

"it's fine." jungwoo says settling on lucas bed. "i'm too tired to care."

he makes grabby hands for lucas who's shrugging off his jean jacket so he can place it on the back of the chair. he also goes ahead and shrugs off his hoodie too, leaving him in just his sweats and a thin cotton shirt. lucas slips under the covers and smiles at jungwoo who looks happy for finally having lucas at his side. jungwoo slips his hands under lucas' shirt trying to warm them up. lucas giggles and tries not to flinch at jungwoo's cold touch.

they lay together for a bit, staring at each other as if they hadn't seen each other in years. jungwoo is the first one to make a move, tracing his finger along the bridge of lucas' nose and his brow bone. lucas cups jungwoo's face and rubs at his cheek. every touch feels so intimate between them and lucas relishes in the closeness.

"i've liked you for a while you know." jungwoo says leaning into lucas' touch. "i tried to make it obvious so you could make a move, but i don't think you ever really noticed until after we started to screw around."

"part of me knew you liked me, but i get trapped in my own little world where i want nothing to change and everything to stay the same. you always look at me with such bright eyes and i couldn't help but think if that look was just for me and only me. that i was the one that made your day like you did mine. i guess i was just so scared at how much i liked you and the possibility of falling in love with you, because i've never allowed myself to like anyone. i've always held everyone at arms length and kept thinking that one day someone will come along and break down my walls. you're doing exactly that and it makes me tremble in fear, because suddenly there's a shift in my small world so please be patient with me," lucas wants to say, but it comes out, "i've like you since the start, but i am a bit thick in the head so it took me a while to realize you liked me too."

"i'm glad it wasn't one sided." jungwoo says inching towards lucas to tangle their feet together. "but if i'm being honest i'm a bit confused. i know we have never put a label on whatever we are—which is fine—but i want you to know how much i like you. you make me really happy and brighten up my day, but i don't think i'd like it if you were seeing other people while you're with me. i don't think i could take it."

lucas can't take the amount of doubt in jungwoo's voice and the way his eyebrows furrow together. he leans forward and places a kiss of his pouty lips.

"i like you a lot too. a lot." _maybe more than i should._ "you're the only one i can think about or even has enough patience for me. plus i don't want anyone else but you. jungwoo you make my life a lot brighter."

jungwoo pulls him in for a hug then, lucas' head resting on jungwoo's chest as the other caresses his hair. lucas nuzzles against the other's chest and wraps his arms around him, holding him close. he sighs as jungwoo's fingers run through the strands of his hair.

"i'm glad."

"me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't been on here for a while so a lot has happened with nct since my last update so i'm about to rant. i hate that sm artist aren't going to mama bc that's my fav award show and i really wanted to see shinee and nct there. i know there are other award shows but mama is the most iconic to me and its the 10 year anniversary so its going to be really cool. they'll be other award shows i guess. ALSO KIM JUNGWOO LOOKED SO GOOD AT THE SM HALLOWEEN PARTY. KATE WINSLET IS SHAKING? seeing jungwoo actually dress up as a women really made me live my fantasy that i had of jungwoo in drag. it was so weird (in a good way) to see jungwoo like that bc i've been planning that scene for a while now and he looked way better than i imagined. he's just so ethereal and mesmerizing. THAT BITCH KNEW HE LOOKED GOOD TOO. ugh, legend. everyone in nct looked so good though. haechan dressing up as mj really made me really happy bc i knew he was happy. i was fed well that night. also i started writing a angsty markhyuck au that i'll probably end up posting before the end of the year so if you guys want to look out for that. hehe. so many ideas too little ambition. alright guys i'll get to work on the next chapter which will probably start with smut but i'm not too sure yet. also im proof reading this late at night so if i miss anything i'll try to fix it in the morning when i revise it again. thank you for commenting, for all the kudos and and bookmarks. you guys are the best and thank you for reading! ALSO SUPPORT KIBUM'S COMEBACK!


	4. Downfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lucas is in love and falling apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEARS! NEO TOKYO LETS GOOOOO. i added the appropriate tags for the smut that'll be in the rest of this fic which i should have done a while ago. my bad. a big chunk of this chapter is unnecessarily long explicit smut but its lowkey kinda soft. hope you enjoy and don't hate me for taking forever to update. no but for real most of this is smut so be aware.

    saturdays in china were lucas' favorite. his international school hardly ever held school events on saturdays so he spent most of them at home. but no matter how hard he tried he could never get himself to sleep past seven thirty. his body had got into the habit of waking up early so the custom followed into the weekend as well.

he use to spend a good amount of time tossing and turning willing himself to sleep for another hour. by eight he would make his way to his kitchen where his dad would be having breakfast and his mom would be packing his lunch for work. he can picture it clearly. the early morning orange-tint sun pouring in through the small kitchen window above the sink. his mom chatting with his dad who sips on his steaming coffee. the tv plays absently in the background as his dad eats his breakfast and his mom arranges his father's lunch cutely into a pretty, stainless steel bento. he sees is dad snorts at some comment his wife made.

she's the only one who can manage to make him laugh or crack a smile. something she takes pride in. and his dad tries to hide the turn of his lips by hiding behind his coffee mug and that's when he spots lucas.

lucas could never really make his dad laugh. the most he got out of him were kind eyes and a warm half smile—well what they considered a half smile. his dad motions him over and lucas' feet can't move any faster. lucas has a deep love and admiration for his dad. he doesn't usually gets home until pretty late so it was nice getting to see him even if it was just for ten minutes. he’s a man a few words his dad, but he listens well and always knows exactly what to say and when to say it.

after his dad would leave, they would spend the remainder of the morning with his together talking as they waited for the battered-once-white kettle on the stove to whistle. his mom is someone he can talk to about everything and nothing at all for hours on end, so there's never a dull moment with her around.

as soon as the dull whistle of the kettle fills the kitchen, they would make tea. whether it was chamomile, jasmine, or oolong. he didn't care as long as he got to spend time with his mom. talking with her filled him with joy and her smile makes him feel whole and like everything will be okay.

he misses saturdays in china. ever since he moved to korea his saturday mornings are filled with ten's light snoring and the hallway traffic of the dorm complex. they are without a fail the blandest of days for lucas. he doesn't even really count them as days if he's honest, more of a blank slot on a planner, a 24-hour desaturated bridge between friday and sunday. he doesn't really like saturdays in korea.

he use to stay in bed all day like ten does, but he finds that it only prolongs it. turns seconds into minutes and minutes feel like countless hours. almost like a long drawn out limbo. so he does his best to stay busy by doing laundry, goes to study at the library, cleans the dorm or goes on walks. sometimes he spends the morning alone—playing music in a desperate attempt to fill the quietness and vastness of his dorm—because ten either had a sleepover or a dick appointment. but when ten is around he watches him come in and out of the dorm like a mad man from comfort of his bed. at first, he was concerned about lucas’ manic behavior but now he watches in amusement as lucas cleans the _whole_ dorm, goes out to buy _them_ food, and brings _their_ mail from the mailroom. the highlights of his day are when his mom phones him in the afternoon to ask about his week, besides that saturdays suck.

    today though lucas doesn't want to get out of bed. not when jungwoo is snuggled into his side, head pressed against his chest and legs tangled together. he looks so peaceful when he sleeps. his parted lips, breathing barely audible, and his impossible long eyelashes that sit on the very tops of his cheeks have lucas dazed.

it's still pretty early to be awake on a saturday morning—half past seven—so he does his best to not wake jungwoo. he had an intense week and needs to sleep in to make up for all the sleep he lost. but he's torn because he wants nothing more than to cup his face and pepper little chaste kisses all over his cute face and neck.

he spends a good fifteen minutes holding jungwoo and thinking about their late-night confessions. rather vague and ambiguous confessions, but confessions, nevertheless. he reaches down to gently brush jungwoo's hair to the side, but the movement awake him. lucas freezes as jungwoo stirs into consciousness.

"hey," jungwoo smiles at him groggily.

"hey." he says as jungwoo stretches his legs. "sorry i didn't mean to wake you up."

"it's fine. i slept better than i have all month so i should be thanking you."

jungwoo kisses his clothed chest and lucas pulls him in closer. jungwoo smiles and combs lucas' long hair back with his fingers.

"i really want to kiss you, but my mouth tastes like a trash can." jungwoo says as he stares at lucas' lips.

lucas smiles. "i have water bottle, tooth paste and a tiny listerine bottle you can use."

they both clean up, smiling at each other as the toothpaste foams in the corner of their mouths. they both spit out the window all because neither one of them has enough energy to go to the communal bathroom. jungwoo pulls on his sweater and pulls the duvet over his shoulders.

"you cold?" lucas says wiping his mouth and pulling the window closed.

"yeah." jungwoo says as he rubs at his own shoulders. "just a bit."

"here." lucas says walking over to ten's side to turn on the electric heater he bought—a purchase he hates. "it should warm up soon."

jungwoo lays down and pats the space next to him for lucas. but first he slips out of his sweats because he hates how they feel bunched up while under the covers. he also knows how hot it can get with the heater on—the reason why he despises the thing. lucas slips under the covers next to jungwoo, their chests touching when he takes a deep enough breath and their noses rubbing together every so often.

jungwoo is incredibly cuddly in the morning. he raises his hand up to cup lucas' cheek and presses soft kisses on the bridge of lucas' nose, his cheeks, eyelids and the point of his chin. the touch tickles and jungwoo's face and lips are still a bit swollen from sleep but lucas still finds him incredibly cute.

jungwoo threads his fingers through lucas' long strands of hair before pulling him down for a slow kiss. his straight hair—unwilling to play along—keeps falling and tickling their skin. they pull away with a laugh.

"i should cut my hair soon, it's getting pretty long." lucas points out as the older of the two threads his fingers through it. his dyed blonde hair has gotten unruly. his bangs are well passed his eyes and tickles the bridge of his nose. his brown roots: a few centimeters long and unsightly.

"i like it." jungwoo says as his gentle fingers sooth his scalp suddenly giving it a playful tug. "but it's whatever you want."

he hums and lets out a _we'll see_ as he falls into a trance from staring into jungwoo's brown eyes. he feels his eyes grow heavier and jungwoo's pink lips look so enticing. he inches closer without even thinking and locks eyes with jungwoo before slotting their sweet soft lips together. jungwoo throws his leg over younger's hip and lucas places his hand on his ass pulling him closer. they kiss slowly, their heads lazily rocking to the rhythm and tongues sliding against each other.

he loves this. waking up together, being tangled like this under the sheet, licking into jungwoo's minty mouth, and his smell filling his surrounding—clouding his senses. he feels warm all over and ecstatic. he wants jungwoo. he wants him for however long jungwoo will have him.

jungwoo lays lucas on his back so he can kiss his way down his body, removing his shirt so he can bite at his collarbones and kiss his way to lucas' nipples.

he starts off with a heavy stride over his nipple, lapping at the sensitive skin, sucking and licking again with intent. lucas whines under him. he never really payed much attention to his nipples before because he didn't think he could get much pleasure from it but jungwoo proved him wrong. his nipples are so sensitive that it's almost odd that it never occured to stimulate himself there before, but it feels different when jungwoo does it. the way he runs his pink tongue over the bud, his pretty pink lips sucking, and his brilliant white teeth biting when he's feeling mischievous. he grips onto jungwoo's soft silky hair trying to make the sensation last as long as possible. jungwoo lets go with a smack and takes the nipple into his finger and stares up at yukhei.

"you should get a nipple piercing babe." jungwoo says, his head resting his head on the dip of yukhei's chest.

he winces thinking about it, but there's also a warm feeling in his chest from being called babe. it isn't the first time they use pet names either. they only call each other cutesy stuff like that when they're screwing around but each time his heart flutters. he really wants jungwoo to call him cute pet names all the time—not just when they're getting off—but it's such an awkward thing to bring up.

"i don't know i feel like it would hurt..."

"only for a bit." he says giving his nipple a squeeze—lucas squeaks at that. "then it's only pleasure from that point on."

"i'll think about it."

jungwoo smiles up at him and reaches up to place a sweet kiss on lucas' lips. "you're so cute."

yukhei blushes, turning his head to hide from jungwoo's gaze. jungwoo coos at him, pressing chaste kisses onto his cheek and neck before going back to laying against his chest. lucas brings up his hand to jungwoo's cheek and caresses the soft skin with the pad of his thumb.

he likes this side of jungwoo. well he likes jungwoo in general, but he especially likes how confident he is when they're doing anything sexual. he isn't sure if it's because he has more experience than lucas or if it's the extra serotonin in his body from being aroused, but yukhei absolutely loves it. he also loves jungwoo's shy side, his artistic side, his reserved side, his cuddly side, his playful side, but he will forever have a special place in his heart for sexy confident somewhat dominate jungwoo.

"yukhei." jungwoo purrs as he nuzzles into the palm of lucas' hand. "let me make you feel good."

jungwoo turns so lucas' fingers brush his soft lips, his eyes flutter closed before taking his long fingers into his warm mouth. he can feel jungwoo's tongue underneath the pads of his fore and middle finger, sucking lightly as his warm mouth pools with saliva. jungwoo hums as he does it and lucas can feel him through the thin cotton of his briefs. it seems like jungwoo likes having his mouth filled with lucas' fingers.

he doesn't think he could get so turned on by someone sucking on his fingers and rutting against his thigh, but fuck. he feels warm all over and his whole body seems to be on fire. an overwhelming sense of affection towards jungwoo consumes him and knowing that he's the only one that can see him like this makes yukhei want to go crazy. he shoves his fingers further into the warmth of jungwoo's mouth which make his eyes open—giving him a pleading look—and a beautiful whine to irrupt from his mouth.

"f-fuck." he stutters. "jungwoo you're so gorgeous. i-fuck please. please make me feel good. only you can."

jungwoo pulls away from his fingers, strings of saliva trailing from his lips and covering his fingers. he's looking at yukhei with such wanton and parted lips that are slick with spit. he connects their lips and there's so much eagerness from both ends that there's far too much teeth and saliva. it's so messy. jungwoo sucking on yukhei's tongue, spit running down his chin and the other licking it up. he moans as jungwoo pulls on his bottom lip, soon his teeth replaced with jungwoo's pillowy lips. then he suddenly feels them everywhere: in the corner of his mouth, trailing on his jaw and against his neck. he's a bit more aggressive with his neck; sucking and biting leaving his mark. a contrast to his feather like kisses against his jaw that felt like the tickling of a butterfly’s wings.

he moans knowing that he's going to be littered in markings. he knows he'll be self-conscious about them later and try to cover them up but right now he wants to be covered in them. he wants jungwoo's lips all over him and to scream how much he cares for him to the world. he palms at jungwoo's ass and pulls him as close as he can—their dicks rubbing against each other and their hands griping at whatever they can get their hands on.

"jungwoo." he breathes out, grinding up into him. "please. i need you."

his breathing is ragged and he's painfully hard.

"don't worry lucas." jungwoo says in his ear—his lips brushing against it with each word.

"yukhei," he corrects. the name lucas feeling odd coming from jungwoo—as if he is referring to someone else entirely. "call me yukhei. not lucas."

jungwoo smiles at him and places a kiss to the shell of yukhei's ear. "i'll take care of you yukhei."

he grabs jungwoo by his neck and kisses him once more before making his way down yukhei's body. his eyelashes tickling his toned stomach, tongue dipping into his navel and lips pressing against the crook of his hips. he rubs at yukhei's stretch-marked scattered knees that derive from his sudden and extreme growth spurt in middle school. jungwoo knows that lucas is somewhat self-conscious about it and always does his best to kiss at the distorted lines in appreciation. it always makes his heart shake but this time he feels like it might explode.

jungwoo's finger hooks his finger on the waistband of his briefs and helps him kick them off releasing his cock that now sits against his belly.

he watches in anticipation as jungwoo licks his lips and jungwoo looks at him like he's hungry and so ready to have his mouth filled. jungwoo takes yukhei's length into his hand and stares right into his eyes as he licks base to tip. he lets out a shaky breath at the foreign, but oh so good feeling that has him gripping at his bed sheets already. jungwoo licks at his head while looking innocently into his eyes.

"yukhei..." he hums in satisfaction before taking the head into his warm mouth.

yukhei throws his head back and covers his eyes with his forearms as his cheeks go red at the sounds that slip from his own mouth. it's embarrassing how needy he is for jungwoo's skilled tongue and wet mouth. how hot and bothered he gets from just a stroke or lick. he can barely keep himself from thrusting up into jungwoo's mouth as he sucks at his head. he groans as he removes his arm from his face and back on the bed—needing all the support his shaky frame can get. his hair falls back into his face, fanning over his eyes to where he can barely make out a flushed jungwoo who licks the underside of yukhei' cock. he shudders at the feeling. okay he is definitely getting a haircut as soon as possible.

jungwoo's lips wrap around the girth of his length and make their way down. the pleasure is almost blinding and jungwoo's mouth is so hot and so is the room. he feels like he's on fire and the room around is only making it worse. he feels himself burning with lust and red with love.

"fuck.." he says, jaw slack and eyebrows knitted together.

jungwoo bobs his way up and down yukhei's cock. spit pools at the sides of his mouth and yukhei keeps desperately pushing his hair back to be able to see the flush of jungwoo's cheeks and the evident arousal of having his mouth filled. he feels his chest falling and rising and his breathing catching in his throat. he gives up on his own hair and threads his fingers through jungwoo's soft brown hair, guiding him down his hard length. yukhei's hips move on their own—shallow little thrust into the tightness of his lover's mouth that leave them both moaning. but only because he can't help himself. oral is so different from what anything they've done so far. it's so wet and hot and a bit messy but it's so good.

he never wants this to end. he wants to spend the rest of his falls, winters, springs, and summers with jungwoo. he wants to make a home in his pale skin, sew himself into his sweaters, stare forever into his starry eyes, and kiss the moles on his neck until they're embedded into his own lips. fuck he loves jungwoo so much that it scares him. but at times like this when yukhei is vulnerable and a whiny mess he isn't afraid to admit it to himself.

"ahh-" he cries when jungwoo pulls back to swirl his tongue over his head and then taking him all the way back in.

"don't stop." he whines as he grips onto jungwoo's hair pushing him down to the hilt.

_please don't leave me._

jungwoo moans against his length causing yukhei to writhe underneath him.

_i won't._

jungwoo quickens his pace—taking yukhei deeper and hallowing his cheeks as he does so. but yukhei is still stiff with his thrust, not wanting to hurt the other.

"more yukhei." jungwoo says when he pulls back—taking the opportunity to clean his saliva slick chin with the back of his hand. "fuck my mouth."

that's when everything turns into a sweltering, hazy mess. all yukhei can do is thrust up and pull jungwoo further down his cock by his hair as he pants into the hot dorm air. he thrust and thrust into his love's mouth and chants his name. tears are pooling at the corner of jungwoo's eyes and he's grinding against yukhei's leg in effort to get some relief. he fucks into jungwoo fast and when he hits the back of his throat his orgasm comes in waves. jungwoo swallows as much as he can as yukhei spills into him and rides out his orgasm.

he finally lets himself fall back against the bed to catch his breath. his body feels like jello but he's sure that's normal after the most intense orgasm he's ever had. he looks over at jungwoo who's on his knees at the foot of the bed slipping off his shirt leaving him completely naked—besides his boxers still caught around one of his ankles. yukhei wills himself up and scoots over to jungwoo. he pulls him onto his lap and runs his hand over his rib cage. his skin, usually cold to the touch, hot. he kisses his chest as jungwoo hand goes up and down his own length.

jungwoo's mouth is parted open and his heavy eyes are barely open. his mouth must seem so empty. after having yukhei fill his mouth to suddenly being empty must be odd. before giving it another thought he places his thumb between jungwoo's swollen lips, earning him a moan. jungwoo's hand is focused on his dick and his tongue on yukhei's finger.

"yukhei..." jungwoo says his face a bit pink—not from the stuffy room but from embarrassment.

"yes baby." yukhei says into the pale skin of jungwoo's chest as he places light kisses along his collarbones.

"i—uh can you a—ah finger me?" jungwoo says sheepishly as he tries to hide his face with his hair.

it takes him a bit by surprise. not only because they've never done that—it seems like today is filled with firsts—but also how jungwoo is able to put sentences together after being hard for so long. he runs his hands over jungwoo's flushed chest and takes in the color filling his cheeks. he must really want it. jungwoo shys away when yukhei tries to stare into his hooded eyes and he whimpers when yukhei's hands make their way to his ass. yukhei loves it. loves the way he looks so embarrassed at how hard he is and how his length is the prettiest color against his tummy.

"anything for you." yukhei says sincerely.

yukhei rushes over to ten's nightstand where he keeps his little packets of lube and grabs a couple of packets as fast as he can, so they don't lose any momentum. he picks up his own dirty shirt off the floor, so they can use it to clean up and rushes back to jungwoo.

they get back into the position from earlier and kiss. he can feel jungwoo's head bubbling with precum against his stomach and how it leaves a small trail. every drag leaves jungwoo thrusting up and becoming a needy mess.

"you look so good like this." yukhei says as he wraps his hand around his length to which jungwoo involuntary bucks up into his tight fist. he takes two fingers and puts them in jungwoo's parted mouth. "so needy and pretty."

yukhei teases the head of his cock mercilessly and holds jungwoo's stuttering hips down.

"yukhei," jungwoo whines. a string of saliva that was connected to his fingers breaks a part and falls against his chest. jungwoo continues to squirm in the younger's lap and yukhei instinctively slaps his hip to get him to stop.

"stop." yukhei says, his grip on jungwoo's hip tightening.

"please. i need you."

he nods even though he has a lump in his throat from how nervous he is. he had been stalling fingering jungwoo (time well spent) not because he doesn't want to—he wants nothing more than to watch jungwoo fall apart from just his fingers—but he's scared. he's scared he'll mess up or that it'll go wrong. he swallows that funny feeling in his throat and rips open one of the lube packets, pouring it over his fingers. he spreads it evenly with his thumb and takes a breath before guiding one into jungwoo's entrance. he bites at his lip as yukhei's wet finger circles around his rim.

_alright_ , he tells himself. _you can do this. you've watched porn, you've fingered yourself before. it's not so hard. you can do this._

he hesitantly inserts his digit in, watching jungwoo's flushed face to see any signs of discomfort. he pushes it in all the way and jungwoo's lips fall open.

"another. please i can take it." yukhei nods dumbly and does as he is told, because no matter how hard he tries to be dominate he's still putty in jungwoo's hands. jungwoo moans as the second finger stretches him, rubbing on his insides and yukhei watches in awe as he grinds down on them. "yukhei, it feels so good."

he starts to pump the fingers in and out of jungwoo, his little needy whines and moans filling the room. yukhei's hand wanders from jungwoo's ribs, to his chest, and then to the back of his neck. he watches jungwoo desperately grinding down on his fingers and squeezing his eyes shut and wonders how someone can look so pretty falling apart. he grabs jungwoo by his hair and pulls his head back.

"ahhh," jungwoo hiccups as yukhei presses wet kisses onto his neck. yukhei wants to mark him and leave his neck a pretty purple mess so everyone knows that cute little jungwoo likes it rough. he can feel himself getting aroused again as he sucks a hickey onto jungwoo's adam's apple, but he wills it away as best as he can.

jungwoo's hand travels to his neglected dick and tries to stroke himself but yukhei stops him before he can even get the chance.

"no." he says pulling on jungwoo's hair as a warning—he does it a little harder than necessary but all it really does is make jungwoo moan. "hold your hands behind your back and keep them there."

jungwoo does as he's told as he looks at yukhei with hooded eyes. he motions jungwoo over for a kiss and they do just that. open mouthed and the glide of their tongues hot and slow. yukhei slips another finger into jungwoo's heat, feeling as he clenches down on all three. jungwoo stops kissing him, the only thing he can do is pant, open mouthed and wanton. yukhei doesn't stop licking into jungwoo's mouth and pumps his fingers in and out of jungwoo's ass relentlessly.

"don't stop." jungwoo begs and yukhei can't help but laugh a little as he does exactly that. "no please." he whines.

"it's okay baby." he soothes as he opens another pack of lube. "just need a little more."

yukhei kisses jungwoo's bruised lips dry and sweet, then one on his chin. jungwoo is so close already and he's been like that for a while. he's been dragging this out longer than he should, but he loves it too much. he pushes three slick fingers into jungwoo. his breath catches in his throat as yukhei pumps them in and out as he kisses his throat while murmuring praises.

"harder." jungwoo says, one of his hands trying to push yukhei's fingers further in.

"what did i say about your hands baby?"

"i-i'm sorry."

yukhei shakes his head. he doesn't move his fingers out of his ass but wraps his lube slick hand around jungwoo's head.

"move." jungwoo stares at him almost a bit hurt but does as he's told. he bucks his hips up into jungwoo's hand—yukhei's fingers slipping out until it's only the tips of his fingers. he pushes back a bit, only to thrust back up and then whines at how good and wet it feels. jungwoo then lets himself fall back until the entirety of yukhei's fingers are seated inside of him again.

he watches jungwoo struggle with a loving gaze. he sees how in order to get some relief for his cock he must buck forward but then to be filled he has to push down. it almost seems cruel. he's glad that he added more lube because his fingers slide in deeper and the slick, wet sounds filling the dorm. jungwoo fucks up into yukhei's loose fist, hand squeezing randomly and catching jungwoo off guard. an obscene moan falls from his lips and then he falls back down onto his fingers again. yukhei finds it incredibly hot and can't stop staring at his fingers disappear in and out of jungwoo. how jungwoo's hole clenches around him and he can't imagine how good it would feel if that were his cock that jungwoo was bouncing on.

"yukhei please." jungwoo says on the verge of tears. if it were any other situation it would have made yukhei's heart plummet to his stomach but right now it just fills him with an intense urge to please and tease him.

he lowers his grip on jungwoo's cock to around the mid-point and making it easier for him to fuck into and starts rubbing his fingers against jungwoo's inner walls searching for his sweet spot. it takes him a bit, but he finds it—he has his incredibly long fingers to thank for that. jungwoo falls against him with a cry and hides his face in his neck. yukhei continues with no remorse, rubbing his fingers against the thing. jungwoo arches and moans loud, possibly loud enough to wake his neighbors. he can't find himself to care though and massages his prostate and tightens his grip on jungwoo's red length.

jungwoo's not sure whether to fuck himself against the younger's fist or fingers, making his thrusting erratic and rhythmless. he curses softly and this time tears pool in the corner of his eyes and catch in the strands of his eyelashes. he's a beautiful mess: flushed face, streams of tears on his cheeks, hair askew, and lips red and swollen from kissing and sucking dick. his hands are still behind his back, making him unable to ground himself or clutch onto something. oddly it does something weird to his heart. 

he decides to reward his baby by finishing him off. he pumps jungwoo's cock and drives into his prostate over and over again until he's a sobbing mess in his arms. jungwoo chants his name and when he finally cums he shouts. it isn't very loud but it's a shout that comes from the back of his throat and his back arches with it. his cum is hot and feels endless. he pumps his cock dry and moves in and out of jungwoo's tightening ass until jungwoo is plaint against him.

jungwoo kisses jungwoo's tacky tear-filled face and soothes him by rubbing his shoulders. he grabs one of jungwoo's hands and brings it up to his mouth to place a kiss to every knuckle.

"so good baby." he praises. "you were so good for me."

    "where did you learn to suck dick?" he finds himself asking curiously as he rubs circles into jungwoo's back. "not that you have to tell me... just wondering."

"it was actually my first boyfriend. it was a bit of a trial and error thing but after a while i got the hang of it. we both did actually. he was pretty good at it."

surprisingly yukhei doesn't feel jealous; just curious and overly interested about said ex-boyfriend so he presses jungwoo on who sleepily obliges.

"his name was doyoung and we meet in our last year of high school." he explains. "he was vice president of our class and i was the treasurer, so we had to spend lots of time together."

from what he can gather is that there was a lot of curious glances and lingering touches that derived from a mutual attraction. the attraction left the air around them heavy and a heavy tension in the air. neither of the two were out. they were at very complicated period during adolescence where they were growing as people and their sexual curiosity was at its peak. doyoung hadn't totally come to terms with his sexuality but had fooled around a bit with guys before—which was fine jungwoo said—and as for him he was just happy to get reciprocated.

for a good portion of his life jungwoo's nerves kept him unable to do normal things. talking was one of his biggest problems. it wasn't that he didn't have anything to say, more like too much, but he could never find the right words or the right way to put them. kids use to make fun of his soft nature and his 'odd' voice. it only added to his anxiety. but it wasn't until his second year in high school that he began to fade into the background. he had a group of friends but even then, he felt like background character in his own life. it wasn't until doyoung that it felt like he was worthy of his own story and that maybe he'd get a happy ending.

what doyoung and him had was a typical sex filled high school romance. they were obsessed with one another and constantly snuck around to get one another off. and because of the sex haze and heated make outs in empty classrooms and closets they failed to realize that they weren't actually in love. there sexual attraction was strong, yes, but it was the thing that blinded them the most. jungwoo sighs and begins to draw circles into the skin of yukhei's chest. he shrugs. jungwoo explained how he didn't feel any regret or remorse. he enjoyed his time with doyoung and he's grateful to him for being a patient and helpful sexual partner. doyoung made him feel pretty and self-confident. something he hadn't felt before.

"did you guys you know..." yukhei trying to find the right words and tries to make up for the lack of it by using his hands. "ever go all the way? you don't have to tell, again, just curious."

jungwoo moves to lay on his side and so they're nose to nose. "sort of."

the pair had been anxiously planning it for a month and one saturday afternoon when jungwoo's house was empty they tried. months of anticipation and convincing himself that he loved doyoung began to fall apart with every shaky kiss. but jungwoo didn't want to punk out at the last second so he pushed on. after the foreplay and prepping doyoung was hovering above him. he braced himself and told himself that he could do it.

"so he put it in and i started crying and then he pulled out. but just know i didn't cry because it hurt, i just realized how intimate sex is and how i wanted it to be special. yeah doyoung was special in his own way but not enough to give myself to in that way." yukhei nods. "anyways he tried to console me but i just ended up asking him to leave. i hoped that love would come from it all but it never did and we ended up breaking it off a month later. we stayed civil for the remainder of school but when we graduated, we didn't stay in contact either."

it must be odd giving yourself to someone like that and suddenly it’s over. one day you think someone’s your everything and then suddenly they're not. just thinking about it fills him with dread.

     they spend another hour together cuddling and eating tangerines yukhei bought the other day from the campus store. they sit unnecessarily close and act disgustingly cute. and everything makes him want to plant a kiss of jungwoo's lips or pull him into a hug. yukhei feels a watery feeling where his heart should be and a giddiness in his stomach. and it continues to persist even after jungwoo has to leave to work on his portfolio. he lays on his back and can't help but wonder if this is what love feels like? he's so caught up in his own little world that he almost doesn't notice ten jiggling his keys in and out of the door knob.

"hey." yukhei says with a dumb smile on his face.

ten pockets his key and looks over at yukhei. his under eyes have a residue from the mascara from last night, he has his wig in one hand, and his dress and heels in the other. he probably borrowed the basketball shorts and baggy t-shirt from the guy he went home with.

"how did it go with your man?"

"well." ten sighs and throws his things on the desk still littered from his makeup. "he was nice, and the sex was good but we're just not compatible."

yukhei sits up, his brows scrunched together in confusion. "but i thought you really liked him?"

he shrugs and slips off his socks to put on a fresh pair. "sometimes things just don't work out. no matter how much you like someone."

lucas begins to feel uneasy about that. what if he's right? what if all of this will fade into a nice memory one day. will no matter how much jungwoo and yukhei like each other be for nothing since it'll inevitably turn into muddy mess. what if right now he is special to jungwoo but as the days pass yukhei starts to dim and dim until he’s no longer bright. will jungwoo throw him away? or will he put him on the shelf to collect dust?

"lucas." ten says a bit seriously.

yukhei looks at him with wide eyes and expecting.

"did you have someone over last night?"

_lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie. lie._

"momo." the words spew suddenly and an impulsively. "she wanted to come home with me."

"alright. then who was that guy who just left?"

lucas feels corned and like the walls are starting to get closer and closer. his breathing feels more forced and forced. the fluid in his chest has turned to ice making it hard to breath and the butterflies in his stomach are thorns pricking at him and drawing blood. logically he knows that there's nothing to fear. that he's fine and the world isn't falling apart but his is. the stupid jenga game he has been playing and constructing since he was thirteen is over and it's tumbling apart.

"lucas why are you crying?"

lucas falls apart in the arms of his best friend and sobs openly for the first time in a long time. his chest heaves, sobs fall from his lips and snot runs down his face and it feels good. it's a different vulnerability that he hasn't experienced. it feels almost freeing.

ten is nice about it. he holds yukhei tightly but in comforting way, as if holding the remaining structure of a collapsing building together in a last ditch effort. he strokes his hair affectionately and is so patient.

once yukhei is a bit more composed he looks into ten's worried eyes and begins to explain himself. he starts off when jungwoo was just the guy at the gym, then how they had their first kiss that lead to their first date. ten listens intently and holds his hand the whole time which is appreciated.

"wait you're dating the guy from the drag show? the cute one?"

yukhei nods and if he didn't feel so exhausted from crying, he would be smiling. jungwoo is cute.

"did he give you those?" ten says eyeing down at the love bites scattered along his neck and chest.

yukhei's cheeks and ears are red to the touch and he does his best to cover as much as possible—but especially the purpling hickey close to his nipple. "yeah"

"you seem to like him a lot. " yukhei nods, a bit embarrassed. "then why are you so upset lucas? if you both like each other and want to be together so what's stopping you?"

"me. i'm stopping myself because i'm scared. i'm scared of being with a man and falling in love with him. i'm scared i won't be enough. that we will fall apart. the world is cruel and i'm weak. i don't think i'm strong enough to fight for my love or for jungwoo. he needs someone who can. someone can comfort him when he's anxious and who isn't afraid to kiss him in public. he should be with someone who loves their love and doesn't have to look around to see if people are staring when they stand too close. he shouldn't be with a coward like me," he wants to say but like so many other times he doesn't say that. instead he says, _"i don't know."_

"look." ten says squeezing his hand. "you don't have to rush into this. you don't have to dye your hair rainbow or change who you are. because being gay doesn't change everything about you. you're still the same lucas who picks his nose and watches boring, pointless anime."

yukhei elbows him gently in the ribs that causes them both to smile.

"you can come out gradually. it's baby steps yeah?"

"yeah baby steps."

    yukhei decides to step out to check his mail while ten showers to wash off his rendezvous of the night before. lucas figures he should do the same, but he doesn't want to see anyone. doesn't want to talk to anyone. he sprays himself with body spray to hide any weird scent, pulls on a hoodie to hide his hickies and puts his earbuds in to fade out any thoughts. he takes in the scenery instead. the day is a bit gray and the wind is strong. the campus that was once brimming with colors of fall is shades of somber brown. he kicks the dead leaves that cross his path and crushes them under his feet until he arrives to his destination.

the mailroom is always the same chilling temperature, filled with the same bleakness of the week before, but today it's uncharacteristically empty. it isn't unusual for the mailroom to be buzzing with students—especially during the weekend—but today, oddly, the only noise is of a few buzzling flies that will soon die off from the coming frost.

lucas twirls the ring holding his keys around his ring finger as the higher brothers play through his earbuds. he passes by several uninhibited rows until finally reaching the back where his mailbox is. he sighs as he pushes his key into his slot and jiggles it open. he slides the keys into his pocket and opens the small door of his box. the only thing he finds is a decently sized package with some junk mail. he checks to see who the package is from and smiles at seeing it's from his mom. he places it underneath his armpit and checks ten's box before heading back to the dormitories.

the first thing he does, logically, is open up the package. he scrambles for his box cutter he keeps in a box of supplies on his desk and cuts the boxing tape. he removes the bubble and suddenly he is shaking and crying again.

he takes the tattered tea kettle out of the box and traces it lovingly with his finger. he feels a heaviness on his chest, but he pushes it away. he dries his eyes, swallows the sobs that catch in his throat, and make it hard for him to breath. he takes deep breaths before dialing his mom with shaking fingers.

she sounds happy and normally it would make yukhei happy too but today it's not enough. her voice rings in his ears and he wants nothing more than to have her hold him. he doesn't let it show though. his voice is steady, and he hopes he can convey how much he appreciates the gift and his sadness goes undetected.

"your dad bought a new kettle at the market and i had no idea what to do with the old one. then it occurred to me you might like to have a piece of home in seoul. she might be unsightly and a bit old, but she works just fine."

"thank you, mom. you have no idea how much i appreciate it." he says, his voice nearly cracking and tears running down his face again.

for the rest of the call he tries to attentive, but he feels drained. sad and hollow.

sad because he misses home and his parents; their warm scent and embrace. the way they always think of him and care for him even from far away. the way they supported him going to seoul even though they were scared and going to miss him.

sad because he ran away from hong kong to be sexually liberated without feeling like the world was watching but even then, he can't do it. he’s the problem. yes, there are many things that make up the big picture but when it comes down to its him. the reason why he can't be happy is because he's constructed a web of lies and has gotten tangled up in in.

sad because he dragged jungwoo into his mess.

hollow because he knows that it’ll be better if he’d stays away.

"you should come visit next weekend. your cousin is having another recital and he really wants you to come. is that possible?"

"yeah of course."

now he’s running away. again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one day i want to write a super cute luwoo fic with no smut just them being cute but today was not it. the angst is coming hope yall are ok with that. if you want more angst to read while i work on the next update check out my [yuwin fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16692664) and look out for my new yoonmin and chuuves fics i'm going to put out uwu. thank you guys for ur comments and for reading! i'll try to read through tmrw and catch any mistakes i missed (even though i've already did it twice) bc im super sleep deprived:P. if you guys liked this feel free to kudos, bookmark, comment (i love comments) and even share it if you like. [twitter](https://twitter.com/emoyoonki);33333333333

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if there are any mistakes i don't really have a beta reader or anything like that so im doing my best to revise it myself. if you liked this chapter pls leave a kudos or bookmark! hope to update soon~~~


End file.
